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Survivor story

He took everything

Original story

Message to a Survivor

It gets better. There are days that I can't believe what I have achieved (even the little things, like hugging my friends and having a relationship) and there are days that I don't even have flashbacks. At the same time, some days I get anxious and don't want to be touched, in others I want to be held and told that it wasn't my fault. And yet, it's always easier. There will be times that it's hard and it looks like the world is against you, but please talk about it with someone you trust. Let them in. Don't let you assailant keep taking you life from you, because they don't deserve to hold that power over you, take it right back from them and make it yours.

Message of Healing

Healing, for me, meant accepting. I didn't accept what happened and I still haven't -I don't think anyone can accept that- but I accepted that it wasn't my fault and that there wasn't anything that I could've done. I accepted that my life would take a different turn and that I could choose to let it ruin me or give me another reason to fight everyday for what I believe in. I chose to live and I still do.

I feel as if I got so many things stolen from me that night. It was the last night of my high school graduation trip, I was supposed to enjoy those last few hours dancing and having fun with my friends, not getting drugged by someone I had met and already told before that I didn't want anything with him. I was taken to our hotel by him, one of the designated mothers that went with us saw him take me and yet did nothing to stop him. I wasn't supposed to spend that night in fear, not understanding what was happening and what was being done to me, or for it to end in him almost killing me and throwing me inside the shower to get every bit of evidence out. I have never felt such shame, fear, and pain; but what was even worse was denying that I was raped and beaten, and trying to convince myself that it was normal and that I wanted it because I froze up and stopped fighting. I remember talking to him for about one month after that night, trying to make it seem as it was normal for him to threaten me every day and say that he was going to go to my graduation party and "do it all over again but worse". I was in such a dark place, I lost all of my friends and was falling every day in a deeper state of depression, not being able to put into words what happened or to talk to anyone. It wasn't until I confided in one of my closest friends that I "wasn't sure if I actually wanted it" and that I told her the story that I really realised the truth. One month after that night, I still had bruises all over my arms, legs, and neck; but yet it took me that much time to wrap my head around that fact. He took so much from me that night. My youth, my friends, my innocence, my happiness, my ability to connect with myself and with others, my spark. And yet, three years later, I got better. I got out of that hole and managed to get into my dream college. I went to therapy and I said out loud that I was raped and that it wasn't my fault. I got inside a bus and travelled with friends without having a panic attack. I told some of my closest friends what happened and they were amazing and understanding. I got into a relationship and he is so utterly thoughtful and welcoming, never shaming me for having trouble with stuff most people take for granted. So yes, he did take many things from me and made me suffer as I never had before. But I took them right back and I refuse to give him more power.

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