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Survivor story

From Friend to Potential Life-or-Death Situation

Original story

Message to a Survivor

I know you feel guilty like it's your fault. So did I. But NOBODY asks to be assaulted. Nobody. Do not let anyone tell you this is your fault. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. YOUR ABUSER IS AT FAULT. I hope they rot and I hope you heal.

Date, I'm a 25 year old trans woman. I met a friendly man via instagram. I'm a musician, and he said he was too. We talked often on the phone and became good friends within weeks, planning to make music together. I drove to meet him publicly at a supermarket in a rural Arizona, USA town. I just wanted to meet him in person for an hour or so, feel things out to make sure he didn't seem "off". He was a large guy. But he was super friendly and we had tons in common. I still had suspicions, of course. After chatting for an hour, I took him to his friend's house nearby, as his home was another hour into the desert small towns. I didn't want to leave him in the middle of the streets or farmland. He said he would spend the night at his friend's house then get home on his own tomorrow. Once we arrived, he courteously invited me to meet his friend and the friend's mother. Doubt and a bad gut feeling washed over me. But I was just going to say hello then leave? Why not, right? An ordinary suburban, white mother greeted me in the kitchen kindly. I went up stairs to say hello to his friend, give them a little weed to smoke themselves later, and say my goodbyes and leave in my car alone. Suddenly his demeanor changed. He wasn't violent, but creepy and persistent as all hell... He began touching me through my clothes as his friend played video games, indifferent to what was occurring. The man began backing me into a walk-in closet. I didn't react because I had NO CELL RECEPTION in this TINY TOWN. No way to call help, fear of being attacked if I opposed him. He pulled down my pants and gentled nudged me forward, causing me to trip onto my hands and knees. He kneeled behind me, and I knew exactly what could have happened next. My fight or flight kicked in. It was either live or die. I thought surely I'd be killed if I did anything. Thinking in my mind "fuck the odds, I must at least try to escape," I pulled up my pants, jumping to my feet and ran with haste. Not even turning back, despite hearing him calling out to me with a sense of pseudo-concern, I continued in a full sprint down the stairs and out the front door. I jumped in my car, locking the door and igniting the engine just before he arrived at the driver door. He was still saying "oh sweetie, it's okay, let's talk about this. Come back inside." I screamed something incoherent that I can't remember, through closed windows. I slammed my foot on the gas, peeling out into the sunset. I drove home speeding, never thinking anything else. I was having tunnel vision and just wanted to get home as soon as possible. It's only now, ONE YEAR LATER that I am telling my story to my family and my partner... I plan to discuss this with my new therapist. If you get a sinking feeling that you shouldn't go into someone's house, DO NOT.

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Grounding activity

Find a comfortable place to sit. Gently close your eyes and take a couple of deep breaths - in through your nose (count to 3), out through your mouth (count of 3). Now open your eyes and look around you. Name the following out loud:

5 – things you can see (you can look within the room and out of the window)

4 – things you can feel (what is in front of you that you can touch?)

3 – things you can hear

2 – things you can smell

1 – thing you like about yourself.

Take a deep breath to end.

From where you are sitting, look around for things that have a texture or are nice or interesting to look at.

Hold an object in your hand and bring your full focus to it. Look at where shadows fall on parts of it or maybe where there are shapes that form within the object. Feel how heavy or light it is in your hand and what the surface texture feels like under your fingers (This can also be done with a pet if you have one).

Take a deep breath to end.

Ask yourself the following questions and answer them out loud:

1. Where am I?

2. What day of the week is today?

3. What is today’s date?

4. What is the current month?

5. What is the current year?

6. How old am I?

7. What season is it?

Take a deep breath to end.

Put your right hand palm down on your left shoulder. Put your left hand palm down on your right shoulder. Choose a sentence that will strengthen you. For example: “I am powerful.” Say the sentence out loud first and pat your right hand on your left shoulder, then your left hand on your right shoulder.

Alternate the patting. Do ten pats altogether, five on each side, each time repeating your sentences aloud.

Take a deep breath to end.

Cross your arms in front of you and draw them towards your chest. With your right hand, hold your left upper arm. With your left hand, hold your right upper arm. Squeeze gently, and pull your arms inwards. Hold the squeeze for a little while, finding the right amount of squeeze for you in this moment. Hold the tension and release. Then squeeze for a little while again and release. Stay like that for a moment.

Take a deep breath to end.