Crisis in My 20s

I’m 23, and my childhood trauma has resurfaced intensely as I near the end of college (Bachelor’s in Geography), affecting me more than I expected. The past year and start of this one have been rough—I couldn’t balance personal issues, work, and school, so I fell behind on some courses. Now, I’m watching all my friends graduate while I’m still stuck here for two more years to finish my degree. My job contract ended in December 2024, and I haven’t found another job or scholarship since. Things got worse in January/February when some family members returned, including the cousin who abused me. He acted like nothing happened. The abuse started after my dad died when I was 7 (he was 17). My mom, younger sister (3 at the time), and I moved in with my grandparents, and my cousins stayed there while their parents worked. The abuse lasted until I was 12, with breaks. When I was 10, I tried to get my grandmother to find out (my mom was away dealing with my dad’s death). Instead of supporting me, she blamed me, saying I “offered myself” because I “acted gay.” She slapped me, forced me to shower, and comforted *him*. She never told anyone. Later, he tried abusing my sister (then 5), so I made a deal to let him abuse me again—this time more violently—to keep her safe. It only stopped when his mom moved away. The last incident was at 15, at my great-grandfather’s birthday. The most traumatic event happened at 17, when a drunk, older man (around 50, 6’3”) assaulted me in a public restroom. I froze, terrified he’d hurt me. Now, losing my job, academic delays, and reading books like *A Little Life* and *Jude the Obscure* (which mirror themes of abuse and academic obsession) have dragged all this back. I’ve tied my self-worth to being “successful” "smart" because trauma stripped everything else away. I was a straight-A student in high school (technical IT program, 4 years), did research projects, and got into a Communication degree before the pandemic. I dropped out despite a 97% average, then switched to Geography (current GPA: 79). I want to pursue research abroad, maybe a master’s/PhD in Europe (learning French, Spanish, German), but I doubt myself. If I’m not “smart,” who am I? I’ve never dated or had sex (no desire after the abuse). I’ve never even kissed someone I genuinely liked. It feels like the only choice I have left. People rarely show interest unless they’re drunk at parties. I’m 6’1”, dark hair/eyes, dress decently—not hideous, but maybe that’s cope. My grandmother (who knew about the abuse) had a heart attack recently, and I’ve had to care for her. She says she loves me like a son, but I resent her. Therapy hasn’t helped much—it’s slow, and they want me to “forgive” and tell my mom/sister. I can’t. I’m lost. Disillusioned with life, academia, my future, and relationships. What do I do after college? I want to focus on myself, but my mind won’t let me. Any advice, tips, or shared experiences would mean the world. I’m exhausted.