#918

I don’t know what to say, if it even counts as COCSA, or if it’s even my story to share. My sister is three years older than me. She’s a senior in college (21, almost 22), and I’m a senior in hs (18, almost 19). When we were kids, we’d go to my grandmas house for the weekend. I always liked the drive, but I never liked being there. She was creepy to both of us. She was and still is handsy. I don’t remember everything but she’d touch my butt. Probably my sisters too. I don’t know. We all slept in the same bed. It wasn’t nice. It might’ve been nicer back then but in hindsight it makes me fucking sick. And my sister and I both got some ideas from her, granted mine were just mimicry because I was 4. I didn’t like what my sister did, but I never knew how to communicate that. So it went on. Even now when she does it if I don’t go on autopilot and reciprocate, all I do is scream. We never penetrated, and if we did I can’t remember, but it was touching and it was comments. She always called me sexy. She said she wished we weren’t siblings and that she was a lesbian so we could date. She commented on my ass. She drew stick figures of us fucking, but that was a joke. I was a seventh grader. She should’ve known better, but she didn’t. I couldn’t have known better whenever I reciprocated, and I never wanted to reciprocate any of it. I never liked it. I don’t like it. I don’t like any of it. I don’t know what to do though because I know my mom won’t believe me. No one will fucking believe me. And my sister doesn’t seem to care at all. She has a boyfriend now, and she talks to him the way she talked to me. I don’t know everything that happened. Most everything is blank and wgat I remember is too disgusting for me to write here. I feel disgusting both for what happened and how I reciprocated. I never had the choice. And I’m scared everyone is going to treat me like I had the choice and like I should’ve known better. I couldn’t have. And I don’t know if it was sexual abuse or not. I know I can still feel her touching me. Every day I feel it. the worst part is she doesn’t even think about it anymore. And I can’t talk to anyone in my life about it because they’ll all think I’m sick. I feel disgusting. I wish I didn’t go along with it. I wish she wouldn’t keep going along with it. And I doubt my memory sometimes, which is a nice break, but then I see my sister’s old messages or my grandma runs her hands down my waist and I realize every time how real it was. I hate it. I know my sister’s a victim, and I can’t even imagine myself as one, but it just hurts. I never wanted any of this. I don’t ever want to be touched by anyone ever again. I regret reciprocating and making her feel like this was okay shit to do, but I didn’t know better. I didn’t. I know my story is in the grey area, and I feel awful for what a mess it is, but I just need someone to finally listen. To tell me I’m okay, that I’m not a monster, and that I deserve to heal. Say I’m allowed to hate them both, that I can wish I never had to see them again. I never want to talk to them ever again.