#1463

I was sexually abused by my cousins from the time i was 5 until i was 8, they were also children, the oldest was maybe 11/12. It has completely destroyed me, and in hindsight i never really stood a chance once it started. I also sexually assaulted my younger cousins as I got older. I have huge family and my grandma used to watch all of us after school. We're all within a year of each other, there was around 15 of us at her house any given day. we were caught doing this several times, and our parents didnt do enough. I wish they wouldve put me in therpay and cut me off from seein gmy cousins, but we ontinued to go to grannys house and we continued to abuse each other. After the abuse ended i sought it out form everyone. I think i enjoyed it, maybe because i was very lonely/isolated as a child? i had similar behavior as a teenager/adult, most of the acquaitnes i had were just men who wanted to sleep with me. I started watching porn when i was 8 and became a porn addict. I've been trying to quit porn for years. When i was 13 i started taking nude pictures and videos of myself, this was also at the height of kik. I talked to several men online, I would even get on omegle and expose myself to people without telling them I was a child. I was mainly assaulted by female cousins, and I think I might be a lesbian. I think the abuse has made me afraid/hate to be a lesbian. I was actually very homophobis until i was 16 and i realized that I do have a lot of gay ass thoughts. I remember befriending a gril and I was imagining us living together and hanging out, and i rember thinking 'i would love to wake up to her smile everyday" and i realized that I couldnt lie about that anymore. I think it's a combination of my family dynamics and the abuse that has made it difficult for me to connect with other women. I feel like this abuse has totally robbed me of myself and i don't think i'll ever really get to know who i really am. I am very angry because everyone pretends like it didn't happen. None of my cousins are close anymore, i talk to a few of them. I tried to bring it up to one of them and she told me to shut up, and that if i ever brought it uo again she would never speak to me again. i tried to talk about it with my mom and all she said was that she didnt remember that happening. I know she's lying, because a normal reaction would be anger, shock, disgust, panic, not just a shrug and i dont remember. just like back then and throughout my life when i cry out for help, everyone tells me i'm seeking attention and i'm just being dramatic, and that I'm fine. for example, when i was child I complained for years that I couldn't see, i couldnt read and i was always tripping and fallin but no one believed me because i had good grades. I passed the eye exams at school, so i intentionally failed and hit again with the attention seeking. i went years without being able to see., until my brother started to say the same. Then my parents listened because they figured all 3 of us couldnt have been lying. Went to a real eye doctor and my vision was 20/80. that oretty much sums up how people treat me regardless of what I say. Although all of the signs were there and obvious. i made sexual jokes, I would talk about porn, i used to draw genitals, even drew them on my arms and legs every now and then, i was always talking about gentials, I was caught watching porn several times., risky sexual behavior in my teen years. Even now I can't 'enjoy' sex unless i am heavily intoxicated and it's violent. I've been celibate for 6 months now and I plan on staying celibate until i die. I no longer desire to get marrried or have kids. i dont' know why people look at me and see someone who doesnt have pain or problems, i dont know why everyone thinks im too shallow to have trauma, or feelings, i have been supporting myself emotionally my entire life. I'm so lonely and i have become more apathetic in recent years. I don't wan to be but I am not the kind of person that people can empathize with and i dont really think i have a choice in the matter.