9 years later

I was raped several times in college by my then-boyfriend. I was incredibly in love with him, and it was my first relationship. I remember thinking maybe what was happening was "normal" because I had never dated before and didn't know any better. It caused me to spiral deep into alcohol use and I ended up being hospitalized several times as a result. He would always get angry at me for bringing up that I wanted to report him or seek help, and kept telling me if I sought help, he'd be raped in prison and we'd never have a future together. He would also threaten to kill himself when I wanted to call the police. That was 9 years ago and it still hurts every day. He tried to make me believe I was a monster and that I was the one who abused him. I wish I knew what he thought today. If he still refuses to acknowledge what he did and still is able to convince himself I was the monster. It hurts a lot, and even now sometimes I still think of our good times together. I worry I won't ever find a love like the "good love" we had together again. I miss the sweet moments with him. He was the person I "lost" my virginity too and it hurts so bad knowing I'll never get that back. It was supposed to be special for me. I don't hate him. But I hate what he did, and I hate that he didn't take accountability. I think maybe he was scared. But I was scared too, and I still tried to protect him. It hurts a lot. I think about it nearly every day nearly a decade later and still struggle because of it. I often wish I were "normal" and wonder about the life I could have had if I had never met him.