We are legally married for 24 years but I not seen him in 21 years.

I have been asked so many times, why are you still married? The answer isn't very simple and when I try to simplify it, I can feel the ants beneath my skin, I am hiding my story again, hiding my own existence in a white lie just so I don't make them feel bad, to feel pity for me. The real truth is that I am tired or being the one that has to put the work in, to still be blames for being the one that left. I was never perfect, I was a storm of inconsistences and low self-esteem, I didn't have tools to use for my mental health, I buried it deep as just a reflection of my flaws and nothing more. When I left, I did this as another impulse, it was because I was in love with someone else, something I promised not to do when we opened our marriage up. I just wanted to get away from the fists, he hit me long before I married him. I left my animals behind, they needed me but I could not bring them with me, I regret every day that I left them so long ago. I left him and after the bliss of living with a lover for a short time, I was slapped in the face with reality of my situation. To face my grandmother and her dislike for breaking tradition, "why don't you just go back to him Name" I was ashamed to tell. I am smarter than that, I am an advocate for her and her and him, but not for myself. I tucked myself away in a closet to be found later, to be saved at one point, not realizing I had to save myself. The years have dragged on, I had a child with someone else, I hoped he was dead in the woods, dead from all the evil he held on to. I was afraid for so long that I could not look, I could not file, I could not afford it. No one around me knew what to do, no one knew what resources were out there. Facebook connected me one day with a girl saying she was his partner; I gave my condolences. Years went by and on occasion she would chime in and ask if I filed for a divorce yet, I had not. Then when I tried, I was faced with roadblocks, when I needed paternity paperwork signed by him stating he is not my child's father, he took 6 months to return the paperwork which was time sensitive. I don't use social media anymore; I still hope every day he has died but I know he probably hasn't. I just wish i could get help, I still can't afford filing fees or an attorney.