Making sense of adult experiences

Thank you for reaching out to us. I can share what I think based on the context you gave, but know that ultimately your interpretation of your experiences is totally up to you.  What you're describing does sound like sexual abuse, even if your ex-boyfriend seemed like a nice person. Pressuring someone into sexual activity, pursuing sex with a person who is too intoxicated to consent, and ignoring a partner's expressed discomfort are all forms of coercion and assault. Consent should be freely given, reversible, informed, enthusiastic, and...

Thank you for sharing this difficult experience. First and foremost, what happened to you was not your fault. The other person's actions were inappropriate and violated your boundaries. Consent for one activity (kissing) does not imply consent for other sexual acts. You clearly communicated your discomfort by pushing their hand away repeatedly, which should have been respected.

Thank you for sharing this personal situation. I want to address your concerns and provide some perspective on the dynamics you've described. What you are going through is not your fault and you deserve support. It's important to recognize that healthy relationships are built on mutual respect, trust, and open communication. The situation you're describing raises several concerns for me. Physical harm in a relationship is never acceptable, regardless of the circumstances. The fact that he hurt you is a serious issue. Blaming you for his action...

The exhaustion you are describing, the kind that has gone all the way into your body, is real and it has a reason. It is what happens when a nervous system has been on high alert for a very long time. Your body is not broken. It is doing exactly what it learned to do to keep you alive, and it is still doing it because the threat is still present, just wearing a different mask.

Nothing about what you're carrying sounds silly. The fact that it took years and involves touches that were framed as casual, with witnesses who shrugged it off, makes it harder to name and harder to trust your own read on, not easier. To answer your first question, sexual harassment does not require overtly sexual touching to be real or to qualify legally or clinically. What you're describing, repeated physical contact over seven years, closer-than-wanted proximity, contact that happened without your consent and was minimized when you re...

Thank you for trusting us with this experience. It sounds like you're still wrestling with complicated feelings about that night, which is completely normal. When alcohol is involved and you feel pressure, whether from a friend or from the person who kissed you, figuring out whether true consent was present can be confusing. Consent should always be mutual, informed, and absent of any pressure or impairment. If you were uncomfortable with him kissing you and didn't clearly want it, that's an important part of your own sense of what happened. E...

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your experience with us. It can be challenging to talk about something that has been weighing heavily on you, and we appreciate your trust in us. From what you've described, it's understandable that you're feeling confused and distressed. Alcohol can significantly impair our memory and ability to consent, and it sounds like there were moments where you were not fully aware or in control of what was happening. When someone is heavily intoxicated to the point of blacking out or being in a "trance-like" stat...

Thank you for reaching out about this complex situation. The confusion, guilt, and shame you're experiencing are understandable reactions to an encounter that involved alcohol, memory gaps, and questions about consent. These feelings can become even more complicated when processing same-sex encounters, especially if this was a new experience or if you're still exploring your identity and orientation.

Thank you for trusting us with something this painful and confusing. What comes through clearly in what you shared is that something happened that doesn't sit right with you, and you have been carrying that feeling while also trying to hold onto everything good in your relationship. That kind of inner conflict is exhausting, and the fact that you are paying attention to it even when it complicates something you value is really meaningful.

Thank you for trusting us with something you have been carrying for so long. What you are describing, the grief, the confusion, the anger that has nowhere to go, the shame that keeps turning back on you when it belongs somewhere else entirely, is an enormous weight. The fact that you are still working through this in your late forties is not a sign that you are weak, or stuck, or making too much of it. It is a sign that something real happened to you, and that it has never been fully named or taken as seriously as it deserves.

Thank you so much for trusting us with this. What you've described reflects a pattern of behavior that is deeply concerning and harmful to both you and your children. What you're experiencing can absolutely be considered abuse, and your confusion is a completely normal response to living in an unhealthy relationship. It's common for individuals in similar situations to question whether what they're experiencing is "bad enough" or if they're exaggerating. However, the behaviors you've mentioned—verbal insults, controlling actions, physica...

Thank you for reaching out to us and sharing your story. The situation you've described is complex and raises important questions about consent and responsibility when alcohol is involved. It's crucial to understand that when someone is intoxicated, their ability to give clear, informed, and enthusiastic consent is compromised. Even if a drunk person seems to be initiating or agreeing to sexual activity, it's the responsibility of the sober party to recognize that the intoxicated person is not in a state to make fully coherent decisions.

I'm so sorry you went through this. What you're describing is a situation where your initial boundaries were clear. You said no multiple times. When someone continues to pressure you after you've declined, wearing you down until you agree, that "yes" isn't freely given. Consent requires that both people feel comfortable and respected in their decision. If you felt like you had to say "yes" just to stop the repeated insisting, or because you were exhausted by the pressure, it's understandable that this experience would leave you feeling violate...

When you go through a sexual experience that feels unwanted, it can often be difficult to label what just occurred. We might compare our experiences to the experiences we see on TV or read about online, causing us to question whether or not our experience “counts” as sexual trauma.

Absolutely. In this digital age, the concept of sexual violence has expanded beyond physical encounters to include online spaces. Online sexual violence refers to any non-consensual sexual activity or behavior that takes place over digital platforms, including social media, messaging apps, virtual reality platforms, and online forums.  Online sexual violence can manifest in various forms, such as cyberstalking, revenge porn, sextortion, and grooming, all of which can cause significant harm to individuals' psychological and emotional well-...

First, it is important to remember that your feelings are valid and that only you can define your experience. If you have ever felt pressured or obligated to engage in sexual activities, however, you may have experienced sexual coercion. Sexual coercion can occur on a spectrum. By definition, sexual coercion is “the act of using pressure, alcohol or drugs, or force to have sexual contact with someone against their will” and includes “persistent attempts to have sexual contact with someone who has already refused.”

Thank you for this question. Being groped in public by a stranger is a deeply violating and traumatic experience that no one should ever have to endure. It's an unfair and unacceptable invasion of your personal space and bodily autonomy. The shock, fear, and distress you might feel in such a situation are completely valid. It's important to acknowledge that this is a form of sexual assault, and you have every right to feel upset, angry, or overwhelmed. 

Trauma can impact individuals of all identities. It knows no boundaries and can affect anyone who has experienced extreme stress or adversity. How you label your experience is up to you, but below is some more information about what trauma can look like.

Thank you for this question. When a family member experiences gender-based violence, the trauma can create a ripple effect that impacts the entire family. For those who witnessed the violence firsthand, the impact can be particularly severe. Children who grow up in a home where violence occurs may experience a range of emotional and behavioral problems, including fear, anxiety, aggression, and difficulty forming healthy attachments. They may also be at higher risk of experiencing violence in their own relationships later in life. In addition,...

Thank you so much for this question. While only you can define what you experienced, based on what you shared this can still certainly be a form of sexual assault, even if you were not physically touched by the other person. Sexual assault is not limited to physical contact. It can also include coercion, manipulation, or pressure to engage in sexual activity that you do not want to do.

Thank you for asking this question. In legal terms, the definition of sexual assault and rape varies depending on jurisdiction. This means that depending on the geographical area where you live, laws may be interpreted and applied differently with slight variations in definitions. To learn about the resources in your area to help you navigate these definitions, if you live in the United States, go to this link , click on the state that you live in, and talk to your local victim assistance office. If you do not live in the United States, read u...

Thank you for this question. Only you can define your experiences, but based on what you shared, yes. Your experience of unwanted sexual touching without consent can still be considered sexual assault, and it's completely valid to recognize and name it as such. Sexual assault can take many forms beyond rape, and each survivor's experience is unique and deserving of acknowledgment and support. It's understandable to have questions or doubts about what constitutes sexual assault, but it's important to trust your own feelings and boundaries.

You are absolutely not alone, and it's worth saying that clearly and directly because the silence around this experience can make it feel that way. Abuse in romantic relationships happens to men, including straight men, and it is far more common than most people realize or talk about.

We received many questions about trauma processing and identity. Let’s talk about this in two parts with the help of a PhD prepared mental health nurse and sexual assault nurse examiner from @ourwavestories. We will start with talking about coming to terms with trauma as it relates to our identity, and then we will talk about integrating it into our identity.

Thank you for asking this question. The short answer is yes. When you go through a sexual experience that feels unwanted, it can often be difficult to label what just occurred. We might compare our experiences to the experiences we see on TV or read about online, causing us to question whether or not our experience “counts” as sexual assault.

Thank you so much for reaching out. While this is not a faith-based community, your question is extremely meaningful. People rely on different beliefs to make sense of pain and hardship, and it is very common for survivors to wrestle with questions of faith, especially when searching for comfort or meaning after experiences of harm.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings so openly. Questioning and exploring your sexuality is a normal and healthy part of the human experience. Overthinking can make these feelings seem even more complicated, but it's important to remember that sexuality can be fluid and doesn't always fit into neat categories. Many people, especially those who tend to overthink, find themselves reflecting deeply on their identity and experiences at different points in their lives. 

I'm so deeply sorry for what you're going through. The pain you're feeling right now - that sense of being invalidated, silenced, and pushed aside - is heartbreaking and so unfair. You came forward with tremendous courage, you trusted a system that was supposed to support you, and instead you've been met with what feels like indifference and abandonment. That's not just disappointing; it's wrong, and your anger and hurt about this are completely justified.

I'm really glad you reached out with this question. What you're describing is something many survivors struggle to make sense of, and your confusion about it is completely understandable. Let me be clear about something important: consent isn't just about whether someone said the word "no." Real consent means an enthusiastic, freely given "yes." It's an active agreement to participate, not just the absence of refusal. When someone doesn't want to have sex and their body language shows they're not participating or engaged, that should be enough...

Thank you for this question! We consulted a gender-based violence expert in South Africa who recommended the following blog to answer your question: https://www.saferspaces.org.za/understand/entry/gender-based-violence-in-south-africa She also recommended some non-profit organisations in South Africa dealing with gender-based violence who you can reach out to if you want to get involved or just learn more!

Thank you for asking this difficult question. To start, I want to say that what you are experiencing is a completely normal and understandable response to the trauma of sexual assault. It's not uncommon for survivors to become preoccupied with the topic of sexual violence in the aftermath of an assault, and this doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you or that you're doing something unhealthy.

Thank you for asking this question. What you're describing sounds like a common tactic used by abusers known as "gaslighting." It's a form of psychological manipulation where the perpetrator attempts to sow seeds of doubt in the victim's mind, making them question their own memory, perception, and judgment. This tactic is, unfortunately, quite common in cases of assault and abuse, and you are certainly not alone in experiencing it.

When you go through a traumatizing situation, it can be difficult to label what occurred. You might compare your experiences to the experiences you see on TV or read about online, causing you to question whether or not your experience “counts” as abuse. You also may struggle to remember what happened to you due to the way traumatic memories are stored in the brain, particularly if you were a child and did not have the language to name what was happening to you.

Abuse can disrupt our sense of identity, the relationships we have, and how we feel about our sexuality, particularly when the person who harmed us is of the same gender. Despite this, while your sexual preferences may be influenced by your traumatic experiences, being harmed by someone of the same gender cannot “make” you gay, bisexual, or transgender. Abuse interrupts our natural development and understanding of ourselves. Therefore it is not uncommon to feel confused about sex and sexuality after experiencing sexual harm.

Thank you for this question. Being intoxicated does not excuse sexual harm perpetration. While alcohol can impair judgment and lower inhibitions, it does not absolve individuals of responsibility for their actions. Engaging in sexual activity without consent is always wrong, regardless of whether the perpetrator was intoxicated at the time. Consent requires clear communication and mutual agreement, which cannot be given when one party is incapacitated by alcohol or any other substance.

Thank you for trusting us with something so deeply personal. What you're sharing-- that inner voice questioning whether your experience "counts" or was "bad enough"-- reflects a struggle that resonates with many survivors. Please know that these doubts don't make your experience any less real or your pain any less valid. Every person's experience with sexual assault is profoundly unique, and there simply isn't a measuring stick for trauma. Your feelings are completely valid, and you have every right to honor exactly what you're experiencing.

Sexual violence can be traumatizing for several reasons. To start, the violation of bodily autonomy and boundaries can shatter a survivor's sense of safety and trust. When someone experiences sexual violence, their fundamental right to control what happens to their body is forcibly taken away, leaving them often feeling powerless and vulnerable. This loss of agency can profoundly disrupt one's sense of self and safety in the world, leading to feelings of shame, guilt, and confusion.

Thank you for this thoughtful question about a complex topic. Consent in prison settings is a complicated issue due to the inherent power dynamics and restricted freedoms. You're correct that prisoners cannot legally consent to sexual relationships with prison staff due to the extreme power imbalance.

Thank you so much for trusting us with this. You are absolutely not a bad person. It is understandable to feel this wave of self-doubt, questioning whether you somehow caused or contributed to your ex's actions. The feelings you're describing are incredibly common responses to experiencing harm in a relationship, and they don't reflect who you are as a person. They reflect how difficult and complex these situations truly are.

Thank you for raising this sensitive topic. While it's understandable to have questions about complex situations, it's crucial to approach this subject with extreme care and prioritize the safety and wellbeing of all individuals, especially children.

Thank you for this question. Blaming sexual violence survivors for their experiences is unfortunately a pervasive issue deeply rooted in our societal attitudes and common misconceptions about sexual assault. If you have been blamed for your experiences, know you are not alone. Experiencing sexual harm is never your fault.

Thank you for being here. What you are describing sounds disorienting, and the fact that you are still sitting with it makes complete sense. You came here trying to make sense of something that never should have been yours to untangle alone. I do not want to label your experience for you, but I can walk through what you described piece by piece because the pieces themselves carry information. Consent requires the ability to freely and clearly say yes, in the moment, with a clear head. You were drunk, which affects that ability. He was sober, w...

Thank you for trusting us with this question. The confusion you're feeling, the lasting impact on your intimacy, and the need to find language for what happened all make complete sense. The fact that this moment has stayed with you for so long is meaningful, and your instinct to name it sounds like it might be an important part of your healing process.

Power imbalances in relationships can significantly impact the ability to give true consent and can contribute to the perpetuation of sexual harm. Consent should always be freely given without pressure or coercion, but when there's a large power differential, it can be difficult for the person with less power to feel they can genuinely say no without consequences. These power dynamics manifest in various forms, such as employer-employee relationships, teacher-student dynamics, coach-athlete situations, and age differences, especially with youn...

Wow. This is so tough. I'm so sorry that you had to endure the trauma of sexual assault and then face the added pain of not being allowed to see your attacker's face in court. It's completely understandable that this experience has left you feeling afraid and anxious around men, and I want you to know that your feelings are valid.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings about such a personal and difficult experience. No, you are absolutely not stupid. What you experienced was absolutely sexual assault, regardless of any thoughts or feelings you had during or after the incident.

First of all, talking about self-injury is really hard, so thank you for asking this question. We have asked our favorite psychiatrist to help answer this. We promise you, tons of other people are wondering the same thing. We believe in honest conversations about uncomfortable topics, ​but sometimes talking about self-injury can be triggering. If now is not a good time, bookmark this post for later. If you need help, The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is available 24/7 at 800-273-8255.

Thank you for sharing such a difficult and personal story. It makes a lot of sense that you walked away from that morning feeling embarrassed, even though what happened was completely not your fault. When someone has too much to drink, it can be very confusing to piece together what happened the night before, and it's natural for self-blame to take over. It sounds like you'd already made it clear to him many times that you weren't interested in anything intimate, and that matters deeply in understanding what happened.

Thank you for trusting us with this. I am really glad you wrote in and I am sorry you have been carrying this for a week on your own. You asked whether this was rape. Consent, in clinical practice and in most legal frameworks, rests on two things: 1) being willing, and 2) having the capacity to decide. Alcohol takes away the capacity part. When someone can barely walk and their brain is not forming memories, many laws and most clinical definitions treat them as unable to consent. You also told him no and he kept pushing until you gave in. Rese...

Thank you so much for this question. Sexual assault can take many forms, and each survivor's experience is unique and deserving of acknowledgment and support. What you experienced from your ex-friend could certainly "count" as sexual assault, even without penetration occurring. Any form of sexual contact or behavior without your explicit consent can be harmful and considered assault. To see a similar question we have answered in the past of this nature, click here: Q & A ~ Was I still sexually assaulted if I wasn’t raped, but was tou...