When I was 6 years old, I had an experience where an older girl (10) and her brother (8) coerced me into performing oral sex on the boy in exchange for pets from their pond. I remember freezing, feeling uncomfortable, and later my mother finding out, being upset, and confronting them. Over 20 years later, I still struggle with vaginismus, anxiety around sex and intimacy, and 'switching off' during intimate moments. I've spent years questioning whether this childhood experience was actually sexual abuse and if it's connected to my ongoing issues. I often invalidate my own experience, wondering if I'm being too sensitive about something that happened so long ago. Could this childhood incident be affecting me as an adult? I don't think I have PTSD as I don't experience flashbacks, but I feel tense and insecure until I can make sense of what happened.

Thank you for sharing your story with such openness and honesty. What you experienced as a child certainly sounds like a form of child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA), and your ongoing questions about it are completely understandable. When sexual interactions occur between children with a significant age or power difference, the younger child cannot truly consent, even if they appear to "agree" in the moment. The age gap between you and the older children created an inherent power imbalance, and using manipulation to coerce you into a sexual act is abuse.

It's completely natural to feel uncertain about memories from so long ago, especially when they are fragmented or hazy. The fragmented nature of your memories—"hazy snippets" rather than a complete narrative—is typical of how traumatic memories are stored. The brain processes traumatic events differently than ordinary experiences, often storing sensory details (like the taste in your mouth) rather than coherent stories. This doesn't make your memories less valid; it's actually consistent with how trauma affects memory formation.

Your body and mind may have responded to this trauma in ways that continue to affect you today. The sexual difficulties you describe—vaginismus, anxiety around intimacy, and "switching off" during sexual encounters—are common trauma responses. Our bodies often hold memories that our conscious minds may not fully remember or process, especially when the trauma occurred at such a young age when we lacked the language or context to understand what was happening.

The self-doubt you're experiencing—questioning whether the event was "that big of a deal" or if you're being "too sensitive"—is also common among survivors. This pattern of invalidating your own experience can be part of the trauma itself. Comparing your experiences to those of others and thinking that others have gone through "worse" doesn't diminish what you've been through or how it has affected you. Your feelings and struggles are valid, and it's okay to seek support for them.

Your heightened sensitivity to shame and guilt as you grew older may indeed be connected to this early experience. Children often internalize shame after sexual abuse, even when they were in no way responsible. Your described pattern of intense anxiety over perceived mistakes suggests your nervous system may have been calibrated to anticipate punishment or negative outcomes.

It's also worth noting that the behavior of the older girl raises concerns about her own experiences. Children who exhibit sexually inappropriate behavior often may have been exposed to or victims of abuse themselves. This doesn't excuse her actions, but provides context for why she might have acted that way—and further validates that what happened was not normal childhood exploration.

Being kind to yourself is crucial. You were a child navigating a situation that was orchestrated by older children, and you couldn't have fully understood or controlled what was happening. Holding onto guilt for how you acted then isn't fair to the person you are now.

Many survivors find that working with a trauma-informed therapist can help process these experiences and reduce their impact on current functioning. Approaches like EMDR, somatic experiencing, or other trauma-specific therapies may be particularly helpful for addressing body-based symptoms like vaginismus.

Healing isn't about erasing what happened or never thinking about it again. Rather, it's about integrating the experience so it becomes part of your story without continuing to cause distress or affect your relationships and self-perception. Your questioning and seeking understanding are already important steps in that healing process. Thank you for trusting us with this. You are not alone.