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Since my attack, I’ve had sex. However, I can’t seem to feel…connected. It’s like I’m just going through the motions. I’m afraid to open up emotionally to anyone, and I’m not sure how to get past that.
Answer by Dr. Laura
PhD Mental Health Nurse & Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner
Trauma and violence can affect the way you experience sexual intimacy in a multitude of ways. While it may feel different or overwhelming to be with someone sexually in the beginning, it is possible to enjoy sexual intimacy again one day.
After experiencing sexual violence, many survivors find that sexual situations make them feel afraid or anxious even when they’re with someone they trust. Some survivors experience distressing flashbacks or memories during sex, which can make it hard to relax and feel safe. Other common experiences include feeling disconnected from your body, losing interest, or feelings of guilt & dread. Some people even report hypersexuality after traumatic experiences. It can be hard to feel fully present sexually when you’re coping with these challenges.
If you encounter any of these things, know that you aren’t alone. Over 60% of survivors of sexual assault say they experience some form of difficulty with sexual intimacy during recovery. Sometimes sexual difficulties are related to psychological symptoms of post-traumatic stress, depression, or anxiety--and working through those underlying issues can be helpful. Learning to set boundaries and safely explore pleasure on your own can also increase feelings of control.
If you notice yourself getting disconnected during a sexual encounter, remind yourself that you are safe. Practice a grounding activity to get yourself back into your body. For example, counting similar objects in a room, or silently name five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste. Tell your partner you would like to take a break if you notice you are feeling disconnected. Get yourself a drink of water. You do not need to continue on with a sexual encounter if it is no longer serving you.
You might find that sexual intimacy looks different for you after violence, and that’s okay. It is okay to change your sexual boundaries & what things you are & aren’t comfortable with. Research has shown that having conversations about boundaries with a sexual partner can build trust, feelings of safety, & improve communication after experiencing sexual violence. While it can be helpful to disclose your trauma to a partner, remember that it is your choice and only you know what’s best for you and your situation.
Your safety & comfort matters. You are allowed to advocate for your needs, set boundaries, and move at a pace that feels right for you. You may also want to explore intimacy in ways other than sex, while you work on feeling comfortable in sexual scenerios again. Sometimes we are just not ready to experience sexual intimacy in a safe and healthy way yet. And that is okay. It is also important to note that if you don’t have issues with sexual intimacy, it does not mean what happened to you wasn’t serious. You deserve to be in a trusting, healthy relationship.
Navigating sexual intimacy after violence is challenging and sometimes it feels like it will never get better. Healing takes time, but it is possible. Just because something is difficult now does not mean it will be difficult forever. Be patient and kind with yourself. We are here for you.
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Grounding activity
Find a comfortable place to sit. Gently close your eyes and take a couple of deep breaths - in through your nose (count to 3), out through your mouth (count of 3). Now open your eyes and look around you. Name the following out loud:
5 – things you can see (you can look within the room and out of the window)
4 – things you can feel (what is in front of you that you can touch?)
3 – things you can hear
2 – things you can smell
1 – thing you like about yourself.
Take a deep breath to end.
From where you are sitting, look around for things that have a texture or are nice or interesting to look at.
Hold an object in your hand and bring your full focus to it. Look at where shadows fall on parts of it or maybe where there are shapes that form within the object. Feel how heavy or light it is in your hand and what the surface texture feels like under your fingers (This can also be done with a pet if you have one).
Take a deep breath to end.
Ask yourself the following questions and answer them out loud:
1. Where am I?
2. What day of the week is today?
3. What is today’s date?
4. What is the current month?
5. What is the current year?
6. How old am I?
7. What season is it?
Take a deep breath to end.
Put your right hand palm down on your left shoulder. Put your left hand palm down on your right shoulder. Choose a sentence that will strengthen you. For example: “I am powerful.” Say the sentence out loud first and pat your right hand on your left shoulder, then your left hand on your right shoulder.
Alternate the patting. Do ten pats altogether, five on each side, each time repeating your sentences aloud.
Take a deep breath to end.
Cross your arms in front of you and draw them towards your chest. With your right hand, hold your left upper arm. With your left hand, hold your right upper arm. Squeeze gently, and pull your arms inwards. Hold the squeeze for a little while, finding the right amount of squeeze for you in this moment. Hold the tension and release. Then squeeze for a little while again and release. Stay like that for a moment.
Take a deep breath to end.