I'm struggling with memories of a past relationship that keep replaying in my head. When I was 16½, I dated a 20-year-old woman for about a year. I'm conflicted because it felt like a positive experience - she was understanding and supportive during a difficult time in my life, especially after my earlier childhood trauma. We met online, and while she made suggestive comments and requested photos and video calls involving my body, I always declined because I felt insecure about my weight. I even apologized to her later for not complying, feeling like I was being a bad boyfriend because I truly cared for her. Now I'm questioning these interactions. There wasn't any obvious manipulation or violence like in other situations, and the relationship felt genuine and caring. But something keeps triggering that 'this was inappropriate' feeling. I'm struggling to reconcile my positive memories and affection for her with this growing discomfort. How do I process these feelings?

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us.  It's completely understandable to feel conflicted about experiences that had both positive emotional elements and concerning power dynamics. During adolescence, our understanding of relationships is still developing, and what felt normal or caring at 16 can look different through adult eyes. The fact that you're questioning these interactions now is actually a sign of healthy emotional development and growing awareness.

It sounds like at the time, you found someone who seemed to truly understand you during a difficult period in your life, particularly after experiencing earlier trauma. This emotional connection and understanding can create powerful, lasting positive memories. The age gap between you and your then-girlfriend might not have seemed significant at the time, especially given the depth of emotional support you received.

However, there's a reason you're now experiencing that internal "this is inappropriate" alarm. During adolescence, our brains are still developing, particularly the parts that handle decision-making, risk assessment, and long-term consequences. This creates an inherent power imbalance in relationships between teenagers and adults, even when there's genuine care and affection involved. This imbalance can manifest in subtle ways that become clearer with adult perspective.

The situation with the photos and video calls illustrates this dynamic well. You felt uncomfortable showing your body, primarily due to insecurity about your weight. But the fact that you later apologized for not complying suggests you felt a responsibility to meet her requests, even though they made you uncomfortable. This kind of subtle pressure - where you feel guilty for maintaining your boundaries - often becomes more recognizable as problematic when we look back with adult understanding.

The complexity of your feelings makes perfect sense - you can simultaneously hold appreciation for the emotional support she provided during a difficult time and recognize that certain aspects of the relationship weren't appropriate given your ages. This isn't about invalidating the genuine connection you felt or the positive impact she had on your life. Rather, it's about understanding how relationships can have both nurturing and problematic elements, especially when they involve significant age differences during adolescence.

Questioning past experiences is a sign of emotional growth and developing awareness. Your feelings - both the positive memories and the current discomfort - are valid parts of your journey. Take your time processing these emotions, and be gentle with yourself as you work through them.

Thank you again for sharing your experience with us. We are here for you.