Question

When I was young, I experienced sexual contact with two different people - my cousin (who was two years older) and a friend. With my cousin, there was mutual touching that went on for a long time. Although sometimes I wished for the touch, I mostly felt annoyed and uncomfortable. I remember crying silently and pretending to sleep to avoid it. I have a vivid memory of hating bath time and being disgusted by bodily fluids. With my friend, I remember disconnecting and focusing on details like sunlight through a purple window rather than what was happening. Now that I'm thinking about these experiences, I feel angry but then doubt myself - wondering if I'm making it into sexual assault when maybe they didn't mean harm. Am I overthinking this?

Answer

Thank you for sharing these difficult memories and your current struggles to make sense of them. The confusion and self-doubt you're experiencing are completely natural responses when processing childhood sexual experiences. 

Your detailed memories of specific sensory experiences - the sunlight through the purple window, the feelings during bath time, crying silently into your pillow - are significant. Our brains often hold onto these vivid details when processing difficult experiences, especially in childhood. The fact that you remember these specific elements so clearly while other parts feel hazy is very common in traumatic experiences. When children experience something overwhelming, they often focus on environmental details as a way of coping with the situation.

The mixed feelings you describe - sometimes wanting touch but mostly feeling uncomfortable and annoyed - are also very normal in childhood sexual experiences. Children naturally have curiosity about bodies and touch, but this doesn't mean they can consent to sexual activities or that unwanted sexual contact isn't harmful. Your body and mind might have responded to touch in different ways, but your consistent memories of distress - pretending to sleep, crying, feeling disgusted - tell an important story about how these experiences affected you.

It's important to recognize that your cousin and friend were also children, operating with limited understanding of boundaries and the implications of their actions. This doesn't minimize your feelings or experiences, but it helps place the interactions in the context of childhood development. Only you can decide how to understand or label these experiences - there's no external standard for how you should feel or what you should call what happened.

Your current anger makes a lot of sense. As adults, we often begin to understand childhood experiences differently as we recognize that children cannot truly consent to sexual activities, even with other children. The fact that your cousin or friend might not have "meant harm" doesn't change the impact these experiences had on you. Intent and impact are different things - someone can cause harm without meaning to, especially when they're also a child.

The self-doubt you're experiencing - questioning whether you're "overthinking" - is incredibly common among survivors. These doubts often surface because these experiences occurred when you were young and still developing your understanding of boundaries. The situations involved complex feelings and responses, and the people involved were also young and perhaps didn't intend harm. Additionally, our society often minimizes or dismisses childhood sexual experiences that don't involve force or clear abuse, which can make survivors question their own experiences and reactions.

Your memories and feelings are valid. The fact that you remember feeling distressed, using coping mechanisms like dissociation (focusing on the window instead of what was happening), and having consistent feelings of discomfort suggests these experiences had a real impact on you. You're not overthinking - you're processing difficult childhood experiences with an adult perspective. Healing often involves learning to trust your own experiences and feelings, even when they're complicated. Working with a trauma-informed therapist who understands childhood sexual experiences can provide valuable support as you process these memories and emotions. Thank you for reaching out to us. You are not alone.