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When I was young (6), I was left alone with another child my age. She insisted on having a sexual experience with me, telling me that if I didn't agree, she would get hurt. I knew she wasn't telling the truth, and I wanted to say no, but I couldn't, and it happened. I never felt like it really affected me, but now that I'm older, every time I remember it, it brings up a lot of shame and disgust. I feel confused because she was also a child, and because it happened so long ago. Was this sexual abuse?
Answer by Dr. Laura
PhD Mental Health Nurse & Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner
Thank you for trusting this space with something so personal. The confusion, shame, and disgust you're describing make complete sense, and the fact that these feelings are surfacing now doesn't mean something is wrong with you, it actually reflects how trauma and memory often work.
It's very common for experiences from childhood to feel distant or unaffected at the time, only to resurface later with new emotional weight. Our brains are remarkably protective, and sometimes we don't fully process difficult experiences until we are older and more emotionally equipped to hold them. The shame and disgust you feel now are not a reflection of who you are or anything you did wrong, they are a very normal part of how the body and mind begin to make sense of something confusing.
The fact that the other person was also a child can make this feel especially complicated, and that confusion is completely valid. What matters most in your situation is that you wanted to say no and felt unable to. Your ability to consent was affected by pressure and fear, regardless of who it came from or how long ago it happened. You did not do anything wrong by being unable to say no in that moment.
As for whether to label this experience in any particular way, that is entirely your choice. What's most important is how you feel about it and what kind of support, if any, feels right for you. Talking with a trusted counselor or therapist who specializes in these experiences can be a gentle and helpful way to process the feelings that are coming up now, completely on your own terms.
You are not alone in this. Thank you for reaching out to us.
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Grounding activity
Find a comfortable place to sit. Gently close your eyes and take a couple of deep breaths - in through your nose (count to 3), out through your mouth (count of 3). Now open your eyes and look around you. Name the following out loud:
5 – things you can see (you can look within the room and out of the window)
4 – things you can feel (what is in front of you that you can touch?)
3 – things you can hear
2 – things you can smell
1 – thing you like about yourself.
Take a deep breath to end.
From where you are sitting, look around for things that have a texture or are nice or interesting to look at.
Hold an object in your hand and bring your full focus to it. Look at where shadows fall on parts of it or maybe where there are shapes that form within the object. Feel how heavy or light it is in your hand and what the surface texture feels like under your fingers (This can also be done with a pet if you have one).
Take a deep breath to end.
Ask yourself the following questions and answer them out loud:
1. Where am I?
2. What day of the week is today?
3. What is today’s date?
4. What is the current month?
5. What is the current year?
6. How old am I?
7. What season is it?
Take a deep breath to end.
Put your right hand palm down on your left shoulder. Put your left hand palm down on your right shoulder. Choose a sentence that will strengthen you. For example: “I am powerful.” Say the sentence out loud first and pat your right hand on your left shoulder, then your left hand on your right shoulder.
Alternate the patting. Do ten pats altogether, five on each side, each time repeating your sentences aloud.
Take a deep breath to end.
Cross your arms in front of you and draw them towards your chest. With your right hand, hold your left upper arm. With your left hand, hold your right upper arm. Squeeze gently, and pull your arms inwards. Hold the squeeze for a little while, finding the right amount of squeeze for you in this moment. Hold the tension and release. Then squeeze for a little while again and release. Stay like that for a moment.
Take a deep breath to end.