When I was around 5 to 7 years old, I was playing a wrestling game with a boy my age. I remember seeing in a movie that kisses were "women's weapons," so I kissed him during our game. I told him that's what kisses were, and at some point he said "no more women's weapons." I think we kept playing after that. When we got home, my dad mentioned to my mom that I had kissed the boy, so I assume adults were watching. I felt embarrassed when my dad said that. I asked my mom about it recently and she doesn't remember, but I do. I went through a sexual assault situation with my ex when he was 21 and I was 18, and now I'm really scared that what I did as a child might have been abusive. I'm worried I could have caused someone the pain I'm going through now, that I might be like my ex, or that I deserved what happened to me. Can someone help me understand this?

I'm so glad you reached out and I want you to know that what you're experiencing right now makes complete sense given what you've been through. It sounds like trauma you experienced with your ex is creating a lens through which you're viewing your entire history, and that's a really common response to sexual violence. Your brain is trying to make sense of what happened to you, and sometimes that means searching for reasons or patterns, even in places where they don't exist.

What you're describing from childhood is age-appropriate play between two young children who were the same age. At 5 to 7 years old, children don't have the cognitive development, understanding of sexuality, or power dynamics that would be necessary for abusive behavior. You were copying something you saw in a movie because children at that age learn through imitation and play. They often blur fiction and real life precisely because they don't yet have the adult awareness we develop later. The fact that adults were present and didn't intervene likely means they didn't perceive it as harmful either. When the other child said he didn't want to do that anymore and you both continued playing, that was actually healthy childhood behavior—learning about boundaries and social interaction through play.

The important difference between your childhood game and what happened to you with your ex is that children generally do not have the power or understanding to cause the sort of lasting trauma you're understandably worried about. What you experienced with your ex involved someone older who held more power and made deliberate choices to violate your boundaries and hurt you. That is fundamentally different from the playful explorations common among children of a similar age. You did not deserve what was done to you, and nothing you did as a young child could ever mean you deserved to be hurt. The person who harmed you made a choice that belonged entirely to them.

Your fear that you might be like your ex shows just how deeply you're still carrying the pain of your own trauma. But the fact that you remember this situation and genuinely want to make sure you caused no harm actually demonstrates your strong empathy and conscience—qualities that are the opposite of what characterizes people who abuse others. You are not like your ex. You were a small child engaging in normal developmental play without any intent to harm, and healing often includes learning to forgive and accept your younger self who didn't have the knowledge or awareness you have now.

If you're still feeling distressed by these thoughts, I hope you'll consider working with a trauma-informed therapist who can help you process both the sexual assault you experienced and these intrusive worries that are causing you so much pain. You deserve healing, compassion, and support as you work through what was done to you, and you deserve to be free from this burden of false responsibility you're carrying.