When I was around 13, my mother would ask me to massage her back, legs, and bottom area while she was unclothed on her bed. She would use a plastic tool with soap. I'm wondering if this was appropriate behavior from a parent, especially since I feel like if a father asked this of a daughter, it would be seen as inappropriate.

Thanks for reaching out to us. It sounds like this memory is creating a lot of discomfort and uncertainty for you, and that's completely understandable. Your instincts about this situation are absolutely valid, and I want to acknowledge how much courage it takes to ask this question. What you've described crosses important boundaries that should exist between parents and children. Being expected to massage a parent's body in an area that normally would be private can violate important boundaries between a child and an adult.

Although every family has different routines around touch, it is widely recognized that asking a child of your age to massage a parent's bare buttocks and legs crosses the line of what is generally considered acceptable caregiving or affection between a parent and child. You're right to recognize that this behavior was inappropriate. It involved unnecessary nudity and physical contact that placed you in an uncomfortable position as a child. It doesn't necessarily matter who is in the role of parent, mother or father, if the situation leaves you feeling that your boundaries were overlooked or that you were placed in an inappropriate position.

Healthy parent-child relationships maintain appropriate physical boundaries, especially as children enter adolescence. Parents should not put their children in situations that involve intimate physical contact or nudity, regardless of how it might be framed or justified. Children deserve to feel safe and respected, and that includes being able to say "no" to touch that feels uncomfortable. Being put in a position where it doesn't feel possible to say no suggests a breach of that safety.

It's normal to question this behavior, especially as an adult looking back, and to feel unsettled that it happened. If you're feeling lingering unease or confusion about these experiences, that in itself is significant and worth acknowledging. It's common for survivors of boundary violations to question their own perceptions, especially when the inappropriate behavior came from someone who was supposed to protect them. Your feelings about this experience, whatever they may be, are completely valid.

What you experienced was not your fault, and you deserved to have your boundaries respected. If these memories continue to weigh on you, it might help to talk about them with someone you trust or with a professional who understands childhood and family boundary issues. Organizations like RAINN (1-800-656-HOPE) offer confidential support and can help connect you with local resources. You deserve support and clarity in coming to terms with any experiences that may have been confusing, distressing, or that simply never sat right with you. Your wellbeing matters, and there are people who understand and want to help.