When I was 8, I experienced something confusing with two friends my age who engaged in inappropriate touching and encouraged me to participate. That same day, while changing my 5-year-old autistic brother's diaper, I touched him inappropriately once. I felt sick about both events the next day, stopped being friends with those girls, and never repeated the behavior with my brother. I had forgotten about this until recently. Now I'm struggling with intense guilt, worried that I may have traumatized my disabled younger brother. I'm also terrified of others finding out and seeing me as someone who harmed their vulnerable sibling. I'm confused about whether this was normal childhood exploration or if it counts as abuse - both in terms of what happened with my friends and what I did afterward.

Thank you so much for trusting us with these personal childhood experiences. Let me try to provide some developmental context...

At age 8, you were still a child yourself, learning to navigate a complex world of relationships and boundaries. Children at this age are naturally curious and often process new experiences by mimicking behaviors they observe, especially when they don't fully understand their implications. What happened with your friends that day exposed you to sexualized behavior that was beyond your developmental stage. When young children exhibit sexual behaviors, they often do so because they've been exposed to such behaviors themselves or are acting out of natural curiosity, but without the maturity to understand the significance of their actions.

Your body's natural warning system activated when you felt sick about both events the next day. This reaction, combined with your immediate decision to change your behavior - stopping friendship with those girls and never repeating the touching - demonstrates that even at 8, you had an innate sense of right and wrong. This immediate course correction is particularly significant because it shows that once you recognized the behavior was inappropriate, you took active steps to prevent it from happening again.

Regarding your brother's diaper change, context is crucial here. You had just been exposed to confusing behavior by your peers, and this exposure immediately preceded the incident with your brother. This timing suggests that you were processing what had happened with your friends rather than acting from any intent to harm. The fact that it was during a routine care activity adds important context - you were in a legitimate caregiving role where some touching is necessary, and the boundary briefly blurred following your earlier exposure to inappropriate behavior.

Your current feelings of guilt and fear of judgment, while painful, show how much you've grown in your understanding of appropriate boundaries. These feelings need to be viewed through the lens of child development. At age 8, children are still developing their moral compass, are particularly susceptible to peer influence, and may briefly imitate behaviors without understanding their full significance. What's most important is that you recognized something wasn't right and immediately corrected your behavior. While it's natural to feel concerned about your brother, it's important to understand that a single, brief incident, especially during a routine care activity, is unlikely to have caused lasting harm, particularly given his young age and the fact that it never happened again.

If these feelings continue to trouble you, speaking with a mental health professional who specializes in child development could be particularly helpful. They can provide you with a deeper understanding of childhood behavior and help you process these memories in a healthy way. 

You should not defined by actions you took as a child, especially when you lacked the understanding you have now. The fact that you're seeking to understand this now reflects your commitment to growth and healing.

Be gentle with yourself as you process these memories. Thank you for reaching out to us.