When I was 4-5, my dad's friend's daughter, who was several years older, became my first friend. She would sometimes be physically aggressive if I didn't follow her wishes, but having experienced abuse at home from my mother, I was desperate for connection and accepted this behavior. The friendship took a dark turn when she began initiating sexual contact, telling me it was a normal game between friends and swearing me to secrecy. She would isolate me and coerce me into inappropriate touching and activities. This continued for about 2-3 years until she suddenly stopped, calling it 'gross.' Shortly after, my family moved away. I struggle to label this as abuse since I didn't resist, and I worry about the reliability of these early childhood memories. I've never shared this with anyone before, and the uncertainty and discomfort continue to trouble me.

Thank you so much for reaching out to us and sharing these deeply personal memories. That can be extremely difficult, especially for the first time. Reflecting on childhood experiences, especially ones involving complex emotions and boundaries, can be incredibly challenging as we gain new perspectives with age. The confusion, uncertainty, and discomfort you're feeling are entirely valid responses.

Childhood friendships often involve exploration and play, with boundaries that can become blurred, particularly when there's an age difference. The secrecy your friend demanded and her methods of isolation suggest she understood these interactions needed to be hidden from adults. Her later shift in behavior - suddenly stopping and calling it 'gross' - might indicate she developed a growing awareness that these activities weren't appropriate, though this realization doesn't erase the impact of what happened.

When we're very young, especially around 4-5 years old, we're still learning about relationships, boundaries, and our bodies. Your desire for connection, combined with your home situation, created a complex dynamic where you might not have fully understood what was happening or how to respond. The fact that you didn't resist doesn't diminish the impact of these experiences - young children often respond to uncomfortable or confusing situations by trying to maintain connection and avoid conflict, especially when they've experienced other forms of trauma.

Your uncertainty about your memories is a common response when processing childhood experiences. Our young minds often store traumatic memories differently, and it's natural to question the reliability or severity of these memories as adults. This questioning doesn't make your feelings or experiences any less valid.

It might be helpful to know that interactions between children can become inappropriate without either child fully understanding the implications of their actions. Sometimes, children may repeat behaviors they've seen or experienced without comprehending the impact on others. This context doesn't minimize your feelings or experiences, but it might help explain some of the complexity you're grappling with.

There's no timeline for processing childhood experiences, and it's okay to take time to understand your feelings about what happened. Help is always available and you do not have to do it alone. You deserve support as you navigate this journey. Take care of yourself.