When I was 14/15, something happened with my cousin who lived with my family. We were both dealing with porn addiction at the time. After seeing inappropriate content, I initially suggested we try something sexual, but quickly told him it felt wrong and we should stop. The situation came up again (either that night or the next), and I agreed. During this encounter, when he attempted penetration, I completely froze - just staring at the wall. After trying twice, he became frustrated with my lack of response. I only 'came back to myself' when he was guiding my hands to touch him. Does this count as COCSA even though I suggested it first and said yes the second time? How do I make sense of what happened when I froze?

Thank you for trusting us with this. Early exposure to pornography during puberty can significantly impact how young people understand relationships, boundaries, and sexual behavior. When young teens are exposed to explicit sexual content before they've developed a mature understanding of relationships and consent, it can create confusion about what's normal or appropriate. This is especially true when both people involved are dealing with porn exposure - it can blur the lines between what you've seen online and what feels right in reality.

Only you can decide how to label or understand this experience. What I can tell you is that COCSA often involves situations where one young person continues sexual activity after the other person has expressed discomfort or withdrawn consent, or when one person becomes unresponsive. The presence of initial consent doesn't negate what happens after someone says no or becomes unable to respond.

What you're describing involves several complex layers of consent and power dynamics. Your confusion about the experience is completely valid. Saying "yes" after saying "no" doesn't invalidate your initial refusal or your right to withdraw consent. You clearly expressed that it felt wrong and wanted to stop - that matters. Many young people in similar situations feel pressure to continue even after expressing discomfort, especially when they're trying to make sense of sexual feelings during puberty while also managing exposure to sexual content they're not emotionally ready to process.

The freeze response you experienced during the attempted penetration is a very common trauma response - it's not a form of consent, but rather your body's natural protective mechanism. Many people experience this kind of dissociative state during unwanted sexual encounters, where they feel disconnected from their body and unable to move or speak. You described it perfectly: "staring at the wall" and only "coming back to yourself" later.

Your questioning whether it "counts" is not uncommon, but please know that suggesting something and then changing your mind is completely valid. You had every right to withdraw consent, and your freeze response clearly indicates you were no longer comfortable with what was happening. It's understandable that you've focused on the hand-guiding moment as problematic - it represents a clear moment where your autonomy was overridden. But your frozen state during the attempted penetration is equally significant.

Early porn exposure can create confusing feelings about sexual experiences - sometimes making it hard to distinguish between curiosity, peer pressure, and genuine desire. This confusion can be especially intense when it involves someone you trust or are close to, like a family member. It's common for young people in these situations to feel both drawn to and uncomfortable with sexual exploration, especially when porn has provided their main framework for understanding sexuality.

If you're looking to understand this experience better, a counselor who specializes in adolescent sexual experiences could help you process these memories and feelings without requiring you to label them in any particular way. They can also help you understand how early porn exposure might have influenced your understanding of relationships and boundaries.

Remember: Your feelings about this experience are valid, regardless of how it started or who suggested what. Early exposure to sexual content doesn't make you responsible for situations where your boundaries were crossed. Thank you for reaching out to us. We appreciate your trust.