When I was 14/15, I had a confusing sexual encounter with my 11/12-year-old cousin. It began with me suggesting touching over clothes, which felt like a game initially. He asked for consent, which I gave, but things escalated to attempted penetration and guided touching of private parts. I froze and remained silent throughout, dissociating from the experience. Afterward, my behavior changed dramatically - I became aggressive toward him, developed an intense relationship with porn, and felt my room was contaminated by his presence. I'm confused about my role since I initiated the initial contact but then froze when it escalated. I need help understanding if I was a perpetrator or a victim, and why I didn't stop it when it felt wrong.

I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling so confused and distressed about this experience. It's completely understandable that you're trying to make sense of what happened between you and your cousin. Reflecting on past events, especially those that are complex and emotionally charged, can be challenging and bring up a lot of mixed emotions.

During adolescence, we're often navigating new feelings and experiences without fully understanding them. It's common for young people to explore boundaries and relationships as they're growing up, sometimes leading to situations that are confusing or uncomfortable later on. It sounds like, at first, the interaction with your cousin felt like a game to you, involving innocent touch over clothes. However, when things progressed further than you anticipated or were comfortable with, it left you feeling unsettled.

Feeling unsure about your role in what happened is a natural response. You were both very young, and neither of you may have fully grasped the implications of your actions. It's important to remember that at that age, children and teenagers are still learning about consent, boundaries, and appropriate behavior. You mentioned that your cousin asked if you were sure, and you said yes, which suggests that there was some level of communication, but it's also clear that things moved into a space where you felt uncomfortable and possibly powerless to voice your feelings.

The changes in your behavior afterward—becoming distant, feeling irritated by his presence, and experiencing a heightened relationship with pornography—indicate that this experience had a significant impact on you. These reactions might stem from unresolved feelings of confusion, guilt, or even a sense of violation. It's not uncommon for people who have undergone confusing or distressing experiences to act out or have difficulty processing their emotions.

It's important to be gentle with yourself as you reflect on this. You were navigating a complex situation at a young age without the tools or understanding that might have helped you handle it differently. Consider that both you and your cousin were trying to make sense of your own feelings and boundaries. Neither of you may have intended harm, but that doesn't lessen the impact it had on you.

It might be helpful to talk to a trusted adult or a professional who can provide support as you work through these feelings. They can help you explore what happened, understand your emotions, and offer guidance on how to heal and move forward. Remember, you're not alone in this, and reaching out for help is a brave and important step.

Understanding complex feelings and experiences takes time, and it's okay to have unanswered questions as you navigate this process. Be patient with yourself, and know that support is available to help you make sense of everything you're feeling. Thank you for trusting us with this. You are not to blame and are not alone.