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When I was 12-14, I had a girlfriend who was about 1.5 years older. She exposed me to sexual content and pressured me into online sexual roleplaying. She was being groomed herself at the time. What would this experience be classified as? Is it COCSA? I have PTSD from it, but I've been told the age gap wasn't large enough to be considered grooming.
Answer by Dr. Laura
PhD Mental Health Nurse & Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner
Thank you for trusting us with this. I want to start by emphasizing that only you can decide how to label what happened to you - no one else can define your experiences or tell you how to feel about them. What you're describing could certainly align with COCSA (Child-on-Child Sexual Abuse) as you mentioned, however, whether you choose to use this term or others to describe your experience is entirely your decision.
The situation you described - being pressured into sexual content and roleplaying online between ages 12-14 by an older peer - was clearly traumatic, as evidenced by your PTSD. While your girlfriend was also a minor and was herself being groomed, this doesn't diminish the impact her actions had on you. Sometimes when young people are being abused, they may reenact harmful behaviors with others, creating complex layers of trauma.
Whether or not you choose to use the term "grooming" to describe your experience, what matters is that you experienced pressure and coercion during a vulnerable time in your life, and those experiences have left lasting effects. The presence of manipulation and sexual pressure at such a young age can be traumatic regardless of how others might try to categorize or minimize it.
Your feelings, trauma responses, and PTSD are completely valid. You were not at fault for what happened, and you deserve support in healing from these experiences. If you haven't already, working with a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in these experiences could provide valuable support in processing everything in a safe environment, whenever you feel ready to take that step. I hope this helps. Thank you again for reaching out to us. You are not alone.
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Grounding activity
Find a comfortable place to sit. Gently close your eyes and take a couple of deep breaths - in through your nose (count to 3), out through your mouth (count of 3). Now open your eyes and look around you. Name the following out loud:
5 – things you can see (you can look within the room and out of the window)
4 – things you can feel (what is in front of you that you can touch?)
3 – things you can hear
2 – things you can smell
1 – thing you like about yourself.
Take a deep breath to end.
From where you are sitting, look around for things that have a texture or are nice or interesting to look at.
Hold an object in your hand and bring your full focus to it. Look at where shadows fall on parts of it or maybe where there are shapes that form within the object. Feel how heavy or light it is in your hand and what the surface texture feels like under your fingers (This can also be done with a pet if you have one).
Take a deep breath to end.
Ask yourself the following questions and answer them out loud:
1. Where am I?
2. What day of the week is today?
3. What is today’s date?
4. What is the current month?
5. What is the current year?
6. How old am I?
7. What season is it?
Take a deep breath to end.
Put your right hand palm down on your left shoulder. Put your left hand palm down on your right shoulder. Choose a sentence that will strengthen you. For example: “I am powerful.” Say the sentence out loud first and pat your right hand on your left shoulder, then your left hand on your right shoulder.
Alternate the patting. Do ten pats altogether, five on each side, each time repeating your sentences aloud.
Take a deep breath to end.
Cross your arms in front of you and draw them towards your chest. With your right hand, hold your left upper arm. With your left hand, hold your right upper arm. Squeeze gently, and pull your arms inwards. Hold the squeeze for a little while, finding the right amount of squeeze for you in this moment. Hold the tension and release. Then squeeze for a little while again and release. Stay like that for a moment.
Take a deep breath to end.