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Answer by Dr. Laura
PhD Mental Health Nurse & Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner
Thank you for bringing up this sensitive and complex topic. When discussing consent and intoxication, it's crucial to recognize that everyone's experiences and reactions are unique and valid. For some, this topic may bring up difficult memories or emotions, and that's completely understandable.
From a legal perspective, the landscape of consent and intoxication is complex and varies by jurisdiction. Generally, the law recognizes that heavily intoxicated individuals cannot give informed consent, a principle designed to protect vulnerable people. However, when both parties are intoxicated, the situation becomes more nuanced.
In many jurisdictions, the focus is on the level of incapacitation rather than mere intoxication. If a person is so intoxicated that they're incapable of understanding the nature of the act or unable to communicate unwillingness, they're considered legally incapable of giving consent. The challenge often lies in determining the level of intoxication and its impact on decision-making capacity.
It's important to acknowledge the reality that intoxicated people sometimes engage in sexual activities. This doesn't align with best practices for consent, but is a common occurrence. Given this reality, harm reduction strategies and education are vital. These include encouraging people to look out for each other in social situations involving substances, promoting sober conversations about boundaries, and encouraging safe practices.
From both an ethical and legal standpoint, it's advisable to avoid sexual activity when either party is significantly impaired. The safest approach is to engage only when all involved parties are sober and can clearly communicate. Remember, consent is an ongoing process that can be withdrawn at any time.
If you've had experiences related to this topic that are causing you distress, please know that your feelings are valid. Healing from such experiences is a personal journey, and there's no "right" way to feel or cope. Professional support, such as counseling or support groups, can be helpful in processing these experiences.
If you're concerned about a specific situation or need more detailed information, I encourage you to reach out to a professional who can provide guidance tailored to your circumstances and local laws. Remember, you deserve to feel safe, respected, and heard in all your interactions. Thank you for asking this complex question.
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Grounding activity
Find a comfortable place to sit. Gently close your eyes and take a couple of deep breaths - in through your nose (count to 3), out through your mouth (count of 3). Now open your eyes and look around you. Name the following out loud:
5 – things you can see (you can look within the room and out of the window)
4 – things you can feel (what is in front of you that you can touch?)
3 – things you can hear
2 – things you can smell
1 – thing you like about yourself.
Take a deep breath to end.
From where you are sitting, look around for things that have a texture or are nice or interesting to look at.
Hold an object in your hand and bring your full focus to it. Look at where shadows fall on parts of it or maybe where there are shapes that form within the object. Feel how heavy or light it is in your hand and what the surface texture feels like under your fingers (This can also be done with a pet if you have one).
Take a deep breath to end.
Ask yourself the following questions and answer them out loud:
1. Where am I?
2. What day of the week is today?
3. What is today’s date?
4. What is the current month?
5. What is the current year?
6. How old am I?
7. What season is it?
Take a deep breath to end.
Put your right hand palm down on your left shoulder. Put your left hand palm down on your right shoulder. Choose a sentence that will strengthen you. For example: “I am powerful.” Say the sentence out loud first and pat your right hand on your left shoulder, then your left hand on your right shoulder.
Alternate the patting. Do ten pats altogether, five on each side, each time repeating your sentences aloud.
Take a deep breath to end.
Cross your arms in front of you and draw them towards your chest. With your right hand, hold your left upper arm. With your left hand, hold your right upper arm. Squeeze gently, and pull your arms inwards. Hold the squeeze for a little while, finding the right amount of squeeze for you in this moment. Hold the tension and release. Then squeeze for a little while again and release. Stay like that for a moment.
Take a deep breath to end.