I've written to Our Wave a lot (love y'all lol) about some childhood abuse, but there were always things I could remember that couldn't have happened during that time period-- things that didn't align with the physical reality of those involved or my body at that age. Recently, after reading a story, I suddenly had a vivid memory of my swimming instructor from when I was around 10-11, someone I hadn't thought about in years. After this happened, I dissociated and have been struggling with dissociation since. I'm questioning whether this memory is real and looking for advice on how to process this experience and figure out what happened.

Hey! We love you too, and it means so much that you keep coming back to share with us. Your trust in this community is really beautiful, and we're honored that you feel safe enough to keep processing these difficult experiences here with us.

What you're experiencing, the confusion about fragmented memories and the dissociation that followed your sudden recall, makes complete sense given what you've already shared about your childhood experiences. It's really common for survivors to have memories that feel inconsistent or confusing, especially when parts of those memories don't align with what you know about your body or situation at different ages. Your brain has been working incredibly hard to protect you, and trauma can store experiences in ways that come back as images, physical sensations, or flashes of emotion rather than clear, linear memories.

The fact that reading something triggered such a vivid image of your swimming instructor, followed by dissociation, shows that your nervous system had a strong response to something. This kind of reaction can happen for various reasons. Sometimes it's because something significant happened with that person, or perhaps their behavior was problematic in ways that felt uncomfortable or unsafe to you, even if you couldn't fully understand it at the time. It's also possible that your previous childhood trauma experiences made your nervous system more sensitive to certain situations or interactions, and something about this instructor or that environment triggered those earlier feelings of vulnerability.

When you suddenly recalled his face and then dissociated, that was your mind and body's protective response kicking in. This kind of reaction often happens when something feels overwhelming or threatening in some way. Your body's wisdom is responding to something -- whether that's a specific memory, a feeling of unsafety you experienced then, or the intersection of your earlier trauma with later experiences.

Memory after trauma doesn't work like a video recording. It's more like scattered puzzle pieces that your brain stores in different ways to help you survive. When we've experienced trauma, especially at a young age, our minds develop powerful ways to protect us. This can lead to memory gaps, uncertainties, or complex layers of experiences that many survivors navigate, even when it's upsetting to feel unsure. It's completely normal to question these experiences and wish you could know exactly what took place.

Rather than focusing on determining what specific events may or may not have happened, it might be helpful to pay attention to what your body and emotions are telling you right now. Your nervous system's responses deserve care and attention. These responses often carry important information about your experiences, even when the cognitive details feel unclear.

If you feel ready and safe, it might be helpful to seek out a trauma-informed professional who can support you through these confusing feelings at a pace that feels comfortable for you. There are counselors who understand how challenging it can be when memories feel unclear or layered, and who can help you process the emotional impact of these experiences without pressure to determine specific details or rush to conclusions.

In the meantime, practice patience and kindness toward yourself. It's okay not to have all the answers right now. Feeling dissociated after that sudden recall makes sense -- your mind is protecting you. Paying attention to what kinds of activities, stories, or situations trigger strong responses might help you notice patterns and take care of yourself when you need it most.

Whatever you experienced deserves compassion and support. You don't need to figure everything out at once, and you deserve to be believed and supported as you navigate these confusing feelings at your own pace. You're not alone in this uncertainty, and gentle, caring help is available when you feel ready to reach for it. Thanks for reaching back out to us!