I've been struggling with a situation that happened during a sleepover with a close friend months ago. We had been drinking heavily, and I blacked out, remembering only fragments. My friend later told me we were discussing sexual experiences and recreating poses. She described a sexual encounter where I touched her intimately while appearing to be in a "trance-like" state and not responding to her questions. Afterward, I was emotionally distraught, crying while she tried to minimize what happened saying things like "it wasn't even bad" and "it only lasted like 8 minutes." I've been having flashbacks and feel disgusting about this experience. Was this sexual assault, and how can I cope with these feelings?

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your experience with us. It can be challenging to talk about something that has been weighing heavily on you, and we appreciate your trust in us.

From what you've described, it's understandable that you're feeling confused and distressed. Alcohol can significantly impair our memory and ability to consent, and it sounds like there were moments where you were not fully aware or in control of what was happening. When someone is heavily intoxicated to the point of blacking out or being in a "trance-like" state, they cannot give meaningful consent to sexual activity. Consent must be freely given, enthusiastic, informed, specific, and ongoing—and being highly intoxicated compromises these requirements.

Your friend's comments minimizing what happened ("it wasn't even bad," "it only lasted like 8 minutes") are concerning, as they suggest she may have recognized your inability to consent but proceeded anyway. These types of comments often serve to deflect responsibility and are, unfortunately, common tactics used to minimize sexually harmful behavior.

The flashbacks you're experiencing are a normal trauma response. Our bodies and minds process traumatic events differently than ordinary memories, and flashbacks can occur when something reminds us of the trauma, even months or years later. This doesn't mean you're "overreacting" or that something is wrong with you—it means your mind is trying to process a distressing experience.

It's important to acknowledge that your feelings are valid. If you're experiencing flashbacks and struggling with what happened, it might be helpful to talk to a professional who can provide support and guidance. Consider reaching out to a sexual assault support service, where trained advocates can help you explore your feelings in a safe environment. Many communities have free and confidential resources available.

Self-care is also crucial during this time—prioritize regular sleep, gentle movement, and activities that help you feel grounded. Some survivors find journaling, creating art, or mindfulness practices helpful in processing their experiences. Be your own scientist and try to experiment with what is most soothing for you.

Remember that healing isn't linear, and there's no "right way" to respond to trauma. Whatever you're feeling is valid, and you deserve support as you navigate this difficult time. Be gentle with yourself, and don't hesitate to reach out to someone you trust or a qualified counselor who can offer assistance. You're not alone, and there is support available to help you through this. Thank you for trusting us with this.