I've been hypersexual since I was very young, around 4 years old. When I was 5 or 6, I began engaging in certain behaviors while thinking about things that scared me, and I would often dissociate. I also had recurring nightmares about a shadowy figure trying to harm me. I've always struggled with attachment, becoming very clingy with people and having intense reactions when separated from them. I still experience hypersexuality and sometimes have confusing physical responses to traumatic situations. Recently, I had another disturbing dream similar to my childhood nightmares. I was sometimes left unsupervised with babysitters when I was very young. Could something have happened to me that I don't remember, and could this explain these experiences that started when I was so young?

It sounds like you have been carrying these worries for a long time, and I'm so sorry you're dealing with these overwhelming thoughts. What you describe is actually more common than people realize. The patterns you've noticed, including the early onset of hypersexual behaviors, recurring nightmares about threatening figures, attachment difficulties, and physical symptoms like losing your grip, can indeed be indicators of early trauma, though they can also result from other factors like exposure to inappropriate content, family dynamics, or individual neurological differences.

Sometimes, a child's body can latch onto soothing or distracting behaviors in confusing ways, especially if they feel scared or anxious and don't have the words to express it. These behaviors don't mean you were "disgusting" or doing something wrong-- they may have been your body's way of coping with intense, frightening feelings or events. The dissociation you described (zoning out during these moments) is a common protective mechanism that children's minds use when they feel overwhelmed or unsafe.

It's natural to wonder if some form of sexual abuse or trauma is behind such early and intense sexual behaviors, particularly when they come with nightmares or strange memories that are hard to piece together. Your fear that you might have been harmed and don't fully remember is understandable. Many people worry about missing fragments of their past, especially if they recall circumstances that made them feel unsafe or unsupervised. The behaviors you described starting around age 4-6, combined with the dissociation and physical symptoms, are sometimes seen in children who have experienced sexual trauma. However, it's important to understand that these signs don't definitively prove that abuse occurred, and while I can't tell you for certain what might have happened, your concerns are valid and worth exploring.

Your body's responses, including the arousal you mentioned during traumatic situations, are actually common trauma responses that many survivors experience. This happens because our nervous systems can become confused during trauma. The same neurological pathways involved in pleasure can be activated during violence or fear. This response is involuntary and doesn't mean you wanted or enjoyed what happened. It's a biological reaction that many trauma survivors struggle with, and feeling shame about it is unfortunately common but undeserved. The attachment patterns you described (becoming intensely attached to people and having difficulty with separation) often develop as coping mechanisms when our early sense of safety has been disrupted.

Regarding your question about recovered memories, trauma memories from very early childhood can indeed be stored differently than regular memories, sometimes emerging as body sensations, nightmares, or behavioral patterns rather than clear recollections. While some people do recover memories of early trauma later in life, memory is complex, and it's also possible to have trauma responses without specific memories of events. Whether or not you ever recover specific memories, what matters most is addressing how these experiences are affecting you now.

The fact that these experiences still trouble you today, and that your thoughts or dreams bring you fear and discomfort, suggests you may benefit from talking with a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in childhood trauma and attachment. That professional can help you sort out what feels confusing or overwhelming, understand these patterns, develop healthy coping strategies, and guide you at your own pace through working with the impact these experiences have had on your life. It may feel less frightening when you know there's someone there who won't judge you or rush you into talking about anything you're not ready to discuss yet.

You're not alone in having nightmares, worrying about missing pieces of your childhood, or experiencing body responses that feel out of sync with how you actually want to feel. These are not signs of being "bad" or beyond help. They're signs that your mind and body might still be asking for healing, reassurance, and a safe path forward. Your hypersexuality and other responses don't define you, and healing is possible regardless of what specifically happened in your early years. It takes courage to speak openly about these experiences, and reaching out for support, either with a counselor, an advocate at a local resource center, or someone else you trust, can bring you closer to feeling calmer about your past and better equipped to handle your present. You deserve understanding, compassion, care, and the opportunity to develop a healthier relationship with your body and sexuality as you figure this out.