Is it okay for me to not want to forgive the person who sexually assaulted me when we were both children? I've seen people not taking child-on-child sexual abuse seriously and making excuses because the perpetrator was also a child. Those messages make me feel bad about not wanting to forgive this person and still feeling anger toward them. I feel pressured to "get over it" just because they might have been a victim too, but they seemed to know what they were doing was wrong and appeared to enjoy it.

Thank you for reaching out to us. It's absolutely okay for you not to want to forgive the person who sexually assaulted you. Your emotions are valid, and you have every right to feel hurt, angry, or even hateful toward someone who caused you harm. Child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA) is a serious and often overlooked issue, but that doesn't diminish its impact on survivors like you.

You are not required to forgive anyone who harmed you, regardless of their age when it happened or their own experiences. The pressure you're feeling to forgive or "get over it" is unfortunately common, but it's misplaced. It's understandable that seeing others dismiss COCSA or excuse the perpetrator's actions because they're a child can make you feel pressured to move on. However, the age of the person who harmed you doesn't invalidate your experience or the pain it has caused.

Whether or not this person was also a victim themselves does not excuse their actions or lessen the effect they had on you. While it's true that children who engage in harmful sexual behavior have often experienced trauma themselves, this doesn't excuse their actions or minimize your experience. You can acknowledge that they may have been struggling with their own issues while still holding space for your own pain and anger. It's important to recognize that she made a choice to harm you, and your feelings about that are entirely justified.

Your observations about their behavior and perceived enjoyment in your pain are important. These details are part of your experience and your truth. Children can and do cause intentional harm, and recognizing this doesn't make you uncompassionate.

Forgiveness is a personal and individual process that belongs entirely to you. It's not something you owe to anyone, and it's certainly not a requirement for healing. Some people find peace in forgiving those who have hurt them, while others find peace and healing without ever forgiving their perpetrator. Both paths are valid, and neither makes you a better or worse person. What's most important is that you prioritize your own well-being and allow yourself to process your emotions without feeling obligated to meet others' expectations.

Healing happens differently for everyone and can be challenging. Some survivors find that their feelings toward their perpetrator change over time, while others maintain their anger or simply reach a place of indifference. All of these responses are normal and healthy. What matters most is that you're processing your trauma in whatever way feels right for you, without external pressure to feel or act differently. Give yourself the space and time you need, and surround yourself with supportive people who understand and respect your feelings. If you haven't already, consider reaching out to a mental health professional who can provide a safe space for you to express yourself and offer guidance tailored to your needs.

You deserve support that validates your experience without conditions or expectations about how you should feel toward the person who harmed you. Your healing journey is yours alone, and you have every right to experience it on your own terms. It's okay to put yourself first and focus on your healing journey without feeling pressured to forgive or forget what happened. Be gentle with yourself, and know that your emotions are a natural response to the trauma you've experienced.