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Is it normal for me to miss the person who assaulted me? I even feel jealous when I learn other people get their attention positively or even negatively.
Answer by Dr. Laura
PhD Mental Health Nurse & Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner
Thank you for this question. When a person is assaulted, they may experience a variety of emotions in the aftermath, some of which may include feelings of attachment or longing towards the person who caused them harm. These feelings can be confusing and distressing, but it's important to remember that they do not diminish the seriousness of the assault you experienced.
While jealousy does not necessarily mean that you want to be in a relationship with the person who harmed you or that you condone their behavior, it might be related to feelings of loss or a desire for validation from them. While some of these feelings may be normal initially, it could also be a symptom of complex trauma or a consequence of traumatic bonding that you may want to seek additional help for.
Traumatic bonding is a psychological phenomenon where a survivor develops an attachment or feelings of loyalty towards the person who harmed them. This could be as a means of survival or as a means to cope with what they experienced. This often happens when a survivor is exposed to repeated and intense trauma, such as in cases of intimate partner violence, sex trafficking, or sexual assault.
Traumatic bonding can create a complex and conflicting emotional experience for survivors, where they may feel attachment and affection towards the person who harmed them, despite the damage they have caused. It can also create feelings of guilt, shame, and confusion as a result of these contradictory feelings.
No matter why you are experiencing jealousy, if it is interfering with your life or leading you to unsafe situations, it may be important to acknowledge and process these feelings with the help of a therapist or victim service counselor. Working through these emotions can help you gain clarity and understanding about your feelings, as well as develop coping strategies to manage them.
If you think you can work through these feelings safely on your own, be gentle with yourself. Recognize that is is perfectly normal to experience many conflicting and confusing emotions throughout your healing journey. This does not minimize what you have been through. You did not deserve the harm you experienced.
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Grounding activity
Find a comfortable place to sit. Gently close your eyes and take a couple of deep breaths - in through your nose (count to 3), out through your mouth (count of 3). Now open your eyes and look around you. Name the following out loud:
5 – things you can see (you can look within the room and out of the window)
4 – things you can feel (what is in front of you that you can touch?)
3 – things you can hear
2 – things you can smell
1 – thing you like about yourself.
Take a deep breath to end.
From where you are sitting, look around for things that have a texture or are nice or interesting to look at.
Hold an object in your hand and bring your full focus to it. Look at where shadows fall on parts of it or maybe where there are shapes that form within the object. Feel how heavy or light it is in your hand and what the surface texture feels like under your fingers (This can also be done with a pet if you have one).
Take a deep breath to end.
Ask yourself the following questions and answer them out loud:
1. Where am I?
2. What day of the week is today?
3. What is today’s date?
4. What is the current month?
5. What is the current year?
6. How old am I?
7. What season is it?
Take a deep breath to end.
Put your right hand palm down on your left shoulder. Put your left hand palm down on your right shoulder. Choose a sentence that will strengthen you. For example: “I am powerful.” Say the sentence out loud first and pat your right hand on your left shoulder, then your left hand on your right shoulder.
Alternate the patting. Do ten pats altogether, five on each side, each time repeating your sentences aloud.
Take a deep breath to end.
Cross your arms in front of you and draw them towards your chest. With your right hand, hold your left upper arm. With your left hand, hold your right upper arm. Squeeze gently, and pull your arms inwards. Hold the squeeze for a little while, finding the right amount of squeeze for you in this moment. Hold the tension and release. Then squeeze for a little while again and release. Stay like that for a moment.
Take a deep breath to end.