I'm very confused about an incident from my childhood and whether it counts as COCSA (Child-on-Child Sexual Abuse). When I was under 9, during summer sleepovers, a friend told me that my older cousin had made her touch his genitals while she was sleeping. A few nights later during my sleepover with him, he tried to do the same thing to me while he thought I was asleep. I kept turning away because I didn't want him to make me touch him, but I eventually fell asleep and don't remember if anything actually happened after that. I'm confused about whether this counts as assault since I don't have clear memories of him actually doing anything to me. I also feel conflicted because I knew about his previous behavior but didn't try to change or cancel the sleepover. I never told anyone about this, not even my friend who was also affected, so this has never been acknowledged. I'm not angry or sad about it, just confused about how to understand what happened. My cousin and I have a good relationship now, and I don't know if he or my friend even remember these incidents.

Thank you for trusting us with this. Your confusion about this experience is completely understandable, and I want you to know that your feelings and questions are valid. What you've described involves concerning sexual behavior by an older child that crossed important boundaries, regardless of whether you have complete memories of what happened to you specifically.

The incident with your friend clearly constitutes inappropriate sexual contact. She was touched in a sexual way without her consent while she was sleeping. The fact that your cousin attempted the same behavior with you, and that you remember actively trying to avoid his advances by turning away, indicates that unwanted sexual contact was being initiated. Your lack of complete memory about what may have happened after you fell asleep doesn't diminish the significance of what you experienced or make your concerns less valid. Memory gaps around potentially traumatic childhood experiences are actually quite common and don't determine whether something "counts" as harmful.

It's important to understand that none of this was your fault. Children cannot be held responsible for preventing other children's harmful sexual behavior, even when they have some awareness of previous incidents. You were younger than your cousin and in a vulnerable position. The responsibility for appropriate behavior lay with him, not with you. Your decision not to cancel the sleepover doesn't make you complicit. You were a child processing complex information and navigating a difficult situation without adult guidance or support.

The fact that you never told anyone about this is also completely understandable. Many children who experience sexual harm don't disclose it, especially when it involves family members or when they're unsure about what happened. Children often lack the language to describe these experiences, fear they won't be believed, worry about family disruption, or feel confused about whether what happened was "serious enough" to report. Your silence doesn't make the experience less real or significant.

The fact that you're not feeling angry or sad doesn't mean your experience wasn't significant or that you're "being dramatic." People respond to potentially traumatic experiences in many different ways, and confusion is a completely normal response. Some survivors don't experience strong emotional reactions immediately or ever, and this doesn't invalidate their experiences. Your current good relationship with your cousin also doesn't negate what happened in the past - many survivors maintain relationships with people who harmed them, especially family members, for various complex reasons.

What you experienced represents a violation of your bodily autonomy and personal boundaries during a vulnerable developmental period. Whether or not you choose to label it with specific terms is entirely up to you. What matters most is that you're taking time to process and understand your experience, which is a healthy and important step in your healing journey. Thank you for reaching out to us. You are not alone.