I'm struggling with whether what I experienced was grooming. My teacher and I had a sexual relationship when I was a teenager and he was 25. Was it just an age gap with a power imbalance or did he actually groom me for that relationship? From what I've researched, some grooming behaviors seem similar to typical dating behaviors (such as desensitization to touch, giving gifts, etc.). I've had many people assume I was groomed without hearing details about what happened, but some people have also blamed me, which leaves me confused.

Thank you so much for trusting us with this.  It's completely understandable that you're feeling confused about what happened, and it's important to acknowledge the complexity of your feelings. At 15 years old, you were in a vulnerable stage of development, and your teacher was in a position of authority and trust. The significant age difference and the power imbalance inherent in a teacher-student relationship created a situation where genuine consent was compromised.

Grooming typically involves an adult gradually building trust and emotional connection with a young person specifically to manipulate, exploit and sexualize them. This process can include behaviors like giving gifts, gradual desensitization to touch, and special attention, which can feel flattering and resemble typical romantic gestures. However, the key difference lies in the intent and the inherent power dynamics. The confusion you're feeling is very common. When we're in such situations, especially as young people, it can be difficult to recognize manipulation.

In your case, your teacher held a position of responsibility and was expected to maintain professional boundaries. Engaging in a sexual relationship with a student, especially someone who is underage, is a serious breach of ethical standards and legal obligations. Regardless of how the relationship developed, it was his responsibility as the adult and educator to uphold appropriate boundaries.

The mixed messages you've received from others reflect common societal confusion about sexual harm. Some people may immediately recognize the inappropriate nature of the relationship, while others might unfortunately engage in victim-blaming. These contradictory responses can make processing your experience even more challenging. Please know that you are not at fault for what happened. The responsibility in this situation rested entirely with the adult.

Understanding what happened is often a process that unfolds over time. Many survivors find it helpful to work with a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in sexual trauma to navigate these complex feelings and questions. Organizations like RAINN can connect you with resources and support as you continue to process this experience. Remember, you deserve relationships built on respect, equality, and appropriate boundaries. Be gentle with yourself as you process this experience. You are not alone.