I'm struggling with self-harm as a response to trauma from childhood sexual abuse. I think I self-harm because I want to punish myself for all the abuse I have endured. When I was 7, I experienced a violent sexual assault. One of my most triggering memories is of my abuser bathing me afterward - particularly how he washed my hair. Taking baths now triggers memories of feeling unsafe, betrayed, and questioning what I did to deserve this. Although I'm a therapist myself and understand trauma professionally, I'm having difficulty processing this personally. I confided in a colleague who suggested I view the experience with gratitude as it shaped who I am today. While I understand this perspective intellectually, it doesn't address the deep shame and feeling of being permanently marked by the abuse. How do I process these feelings of being 'tainted' by what happened? And how can I express that when I talk about my trauma, I'm not wallowing in self-pity but am trying to convey the way past abuse continues to impact my present? I want to understand how to handle both the emotional turmoil and the physical urge to self-harm.

Thank you for sharing such a deeply personal and painful experience with us. Thank you also for your work supporting the mental health of those in your community. I can only imagine how challenging it must be to carry these memories and the weight they bring. You deserve support in processing this trauma - both as a survivor and as a therapist who carries their own wounds.

First, I want to address your colleague's comment about gratitude. While some survivors may eventually find meaning in their experiences, suggesting gratitude for violent sexual assault is inappropriate and potentially harmful. Healing is a deeply personal process, and there is no "right" way to navigate it. You have every right to feel hurt, angry, and traumatized by what happened to you. There is no obligation to find a "silver lining" in abuse.

Your feelings of being "tainted" or "marked" by the abuse are a common trauma response. It is not uncommon for survivors to attribute the physical act of self-harm to deep feelings of shame and the desire to punish oneself - even though you did nothing to deserve what happened. When we experience intense emotional pain, particularly from trauma, our bodies and minds often seek relief in whatever way they've learned works - even if that way is harmful. Self-harm can become a way of trying to manage overwhelming feelings, punish ourselves, or make emotional pain feel more tangible and therefore more manageable.

The fact that bathing triggers these memories makes perfect sense given the specific nature of your trauma, especially involving such an intimate violation of care (washing your hair) after violence. When triggered by these situations, the urge to self-harm can feel overwhelming and automatic. Working with a trauma-informed therapist can help you develop a staged response plan: first focusing on immediate safety through grounding techniques (like holding an ice cube, intense sensory experiences, or physical movement), then addressing the emotional turmoil through emotional validation and self-compassion practices. Remember that these physical urges often come in waves - having specific alternative activities ready that provide similar physical sensation but aren't harmful can help you ride out these moments.

The distinction you're making about expressing trauma versus "wallowing" is important. You're not seeking pity - you're trying to process how past violence echoes into your present, affecting your daily life and relationship with your body. When sharing these experiences, using "I" statements that focus on your current experience can help - for example, "I often feel overwhelmed by memories of my past, and it affects how I feel today."

Being a therapist doesn't mean you have to handle this alone or that you should have this "figured out." Your trauma responses are not a professional failure - they're a normal reaction to severe abuse. Professional knowledge about trauma doesn't make the personal journey any less difficult. As a provider who has also experienced sexual violence myself, this is something I have also struggled with firsthand. Sometimes therapists need therapists too and that is okay.

You might consider working with a trauma specialist who can help you process the underlying pain and develop other ways to handle intense emotions. I know that is one thing that I have found helpful. Many find that approaches like EMDR or Somatic Experiencing, combined with self-compassion practices and support groups specifically for helping professionals, can provide new pathways for healing.

Remember that you are deserving of kindness, understanding, and all the good things life has to offer. Your past does not define your worth. Healing isn't about never having these urges - it's about building a stronger relationship with yourself where you can acknowledge the pain driving them while choosing different ways to cope. The strength you've shown in surviving and seeking healing is a testament to your hard work. Take the time you need to process these experiences, and know that support is available when you're ready to explore additional healing approaches. You deserve the same compassion and gentle understanding that you would offer to others walking a similar path. Thank you so much for sharing this with us. We really appreciate your trust. You are not alone.