I'm struggling with intrusive thoughts that I may be a perpetrator of COCSA. I have OCD and am waiting for therapy. When I was 11-12, my best friend (9-10) and I engaged in sexual exploration after watching videos online. She initiated a kiss, and I showed her pornography I'd discovered at age 9. Later she asked if we could have "sex" which involved touching over clothes and kissing. She would masturbate near me, and I asked her to teach me but she declined, which I respected. This continued until her mother discovered what we were watching online. At 13, another incident occurred with a female friend on a school trip. After discussing masturbation, I ended up rubbing her over her clothes. I asked to go further, she declined, and I stopped. She was scrolling on her phone during this, which makes me feel I shouldn't have done it. I'm terrified they might accuse me of sexual assault. I genuinely didn't see my first friend as younger - we felt developmentally similar. I need help understanding if what happened was sexual assault.

Thank you so much for reaching out and sharing these deeply personal feelings with us. I can hear how much distress you're experiencing, and I want you to know that you're not alone. It takes a great deal of courage to confront these thoughts and to seek understanding, especially while you're waiting to connect with a therapist.

Reflecting on childhood experiences can be incredibly complex and emotionally challenging. During the ages of 11 to 13, children are still developing their understanding of boundaries, relationships, and sexuality. It's not uncommon for young people at this stage to explore these topics with peers close in age, especially when they're exposed to sexual content at an early age, as you mentioned you were.

From what you've described, it seems that your interactions with your friends were mutual and involved a level of curiosity typical for that developmental stage. You consented when your friend asked to kiss you, and when she asked if you could have "sex," which involved touching over clothes and kissing, you agreed. Importantly, you respected her decisions—for example, when she declined to teach you how to masturbate, you didn't push her further.

In the second instance, when you were 13, you and your friend were discussing masturbation—a topic that can naturally arise during adolescence. You mentioned that you don't fully remember how the intimate touching began, but you do recall asking if you could take things further, and when she declined, you respected her wishes and didn't proceed.

It's understandable that you're feeling guilt and fear about these past experiences, especially considering the age differences. However, it's important to remember that you were also a child navigating complex feelings and behaviors without the full understanding or guidance that comes with adulthood. Children at those ages often lack the maturity to fully grasp the implications of their actions, and it's common for them to explore and learn together.

The intrusive thoughts and intense guilt you're experiencing may be amplified by your OCD. Obsessive-compulsive disorder can cause persistent, intrusive thoughts and fears, often centered around causing harm or violating moral standards. These thoughts can feel overwhelming and can lead to significant anxiety and distress.

While waiting to see your therapist, please consider reaching out to a mental health helpline if you are feeling that you are in crisis. Your safety and well-being are paramount, and there are people ready to support you right now.

Please be gentle with yourself. The fact that you're reflecting on these experiences and seeking to understand them shows a great deal of self-awareness and compassion. You're not an awful human being. You're someone who is wrestling with difficult emotions and seeking to make sense of them. Remember, healing and understanding take time, and it's okay to seek support along the way. You're not alone in this, and help is available. Thank you again for trusting us with your story. We wish you comfort and peace as you continue on your journey.