I'm a woman who thinks I may have been sexually abused as a child. I have memories of my female cousin, who is two years older than me, and another girl I considered a friend doing sexual things to me. I remember pretending to sleep and crying so my cousin wouldn't touch me, and feeling annoyed during these experiences, though I also wanted her to touch me too. I blame myself for this. With the other girl, I only remember a purple window and sunlight coming through a hole. Am I overthinking this? I can't talk to anyone because they wouldn't believe me or that my cousin could do something like this. Can you help me understand what happened?

Thank you for sharing this with us. It sounds like you've carried these memories for a long time. When incidents happen in our childhood, especially those involving sexual behaviors and older family members or friends, we're left trying to make sense of early experiences we might not have fully understood at the time.

The experiences you've shared (for example, feeling the need to pretend to sleep, crying to avoid unwanted touch, feeling annoyed during sexual contact, and having fragmented memories) are all common responses to childhood sexual trauma. Remembering that you pretended to sleep or cried to avoid being touched suggests your body and mind recognized something uncomfortable or unwanted. These reactions don't indicate that you wanted or enjoyed what happened; they reflect your body and mind's natural attempts to cope with confusing and harmful experiences.

It's important to distinguish between normal childhood curiosity and sexual abuse. While children naturally explore their bodies and may engage in age-appropriate sexual play with peers of similar ages, what you're describing involves concerning elements like an age gap with your cousin, your attempts to avoid contact, and your distress during these experiences. Healthy childhood sexual exploration is typically mutual, curious rather than distressing, and stops when a child says no or seems uncomfortable. The fact that you were pretending to sleep and crying indicates this went beyond normal curiosity into harmful territory.

It's also common to feel mixed emotions such as frustration, curiosity, or even moments of wanting attention or touch because children often don't have the words or freedom to articulate what's happening, let alone give or refuse true consent. Children naturally crave affection and physical connection, and when that need gets entangled with inappropriate sexual contact, it creates profound confusion. This is especially true when the abuse comes from someone you trusted or cared about, like a cousin or friend. Your mixed feelings don't mean you're responsible for what happened-- they're a normal response to an abnormal situation that you had no control over.

Blaming yourself for any part of this is a normal reaction many survivors face, particularly if, at the time, there were moments of wanting closeness or if the other person was older and someone you trusted. Children often react to boundary violations by emotionally shutting down or going along with what's happening out of confusion or fear. That doesn't make the behavior okay. You deserved to have your boundaries respected, and you deserved that care even as a child. Children cannot consent to sexual activity, regardless of their age or any perceived participation.

The fragmented nature of your memories, like remembering only the purple window and sunlight, is also very typical of childhood trauma. Our minds often protect us by blocking out overwhelming experiences or storing them in pieces. This doesn't make your memories less real or important. Many survivors have gaps in their memories or remember sensory details more clearly than events themselves.

You are not overthinking this. The fact that these memories persist and cause you distress suggests they represent real experiences that affected you deeply. Trust your instincts about what happened to your body. Feeling uncertain or worried people won't believe you is also a common concern, especially when the person who harmed you seems "too good" in the eyes of others. Unfortunately, this is a barrier that many survivors face. People who abuse children often maintain positive reputations in their communities, which makes disclosure particularly difficult. However, your feelings and memories matter, and what you remember tells a story about how you felt and what you went through.

If you do ever find it possible to speak with a trusted person or a professional who understands childhood sexual abuse, they can help you sort through these memories and the emotions that come with them. Consider reaching out to a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in childhood sexual abuse. They can provide you with a safe space to process these experiences without judgment and help you navigate the complex feelings surrounding your trauma. It's amazing how much it can help to have validation and a safe space to talk, even if you're not yet sure about every detail of what happened.

Childhood experiences can be complicated, but know that you're not overthinking, and you're not alone. The shame and self-blame you're carrying are symptoms of trauma, not reflections of your responsibility. Those feelings of confusion or guilt do not make you responsible for the actions of others. You have the right to seek help and to be believed about what you experienced, no matter who the person was. You deserve support, validation, and healing. What happened to you was not your fault, and you are worthy of care and compassion as you work through these difficult memories.