If one person asks for sex and the other gives it, why does the person who asked for it feel bad? I remember when I was younger, I asked a cousin for sex. I don't know what happened because I remember a specific scene - just being there and feeling it all. Not a pleasant sensation, just there. Feeling the skin stretch and nothing more. I don't know why I want to complain now when I asked for it. More things happened, like them taking my hands and guiding me. But how do you know if something happened or if you're just complaining? How do you know if something bad happened to you? How do you know if it was something bad if you don't feel that way? Other people might say "I knew I didn't want to" or "Something broke deep down." But if you don't have that, how do you know? How do you know that you are not the bad person shifting the blame and that you are actually the abuser? How do you know if something bad happened to you when you caused it? Is it normal to have these thoughts and doubts that confuse me and destroy all stability? How do you know what actually happened versus just feelings about what happened?

Thank you for reaching out to us about this. First, it's important to understand that children and adolescents cannot consent to sexual activity, regardless of who initiates it. When you were younger, your brain was still developing, particularly the areas responsible for understanding consequences, processing complex emotions, and making informed decisions about sexuality. Even if you asked for something, that doesn't mean you were capable of truly consenting to it or understanding what you were asking for. Adults and older individuals have a responsibility to set appropriate boundaries with younger people, regardless of what a child or teen might say or do.

The disconnected, emotionless way you describe remembering this experience (for example "just being there and feeling it all, not a pleasant sensation, just there") could be signs of a very common trauma response called dissociation. When our minds encounter something overwhelming or confusing, especially during crucial developmental periods, they sometimes protect us by creating emotional distance from the experience. This can leave us with fragmented memories and a sense of detachment that can be deeply confusing later on.

Your doubts about your own experience are not evidence that nothing happened or that you're making things up. Trauma memories often feel fragmented, confusing, or unclear because of how our brains process overwhelming experiences. The fact that you remember specific physical sensations and details like hands being guided suggests that something significant did occur. Self-doubt is actually one of the most common responses survivors have, partly because trauma can disrupt our ability to trust our own perceptions and partly because our culture often questions survivors' experiences.

The shame and self-blame you're experiencing (for example wondering if you're the "bad person" or the "abuser") are heartbreaking but unfortunately very typical responses to childhood sexual experiences. Children often blame themselves for adult actions because it feels safer to believe they had control over what happened than to acknowledge they were powerless. This self-blame can persist well into adulthood and becomes a source of tremendous pain and confusion.

You are not responsible for what happened to you, regardless of what you might have said or done as a child or teenager. The confusion and pain you're feeling now are valid responses to a harmful experience. Many survivors don't have clear feelings of "knowing" something was wrong at the time-- especially when they were very young or when the experience involved someone they trusted or cared about. The absence of clear negative feelings during the experience doesn't mean it wasn't harmful or inappropriate.

Your questioning and doubts don't make your experience less real or less significant. They're actually part of how your mind is trying to process something that was confusing and inappropriate when it happened. Working with a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in childhood sexual experiences can help you work through these doubts and feelings in a safe space where you won't be judged or questioned. You deserve support in understanding your own experience and finding peace with these difficult memories and feelings. Thank you for trusting us with this.