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If it happened over clothes and I didn't get the chance to say no because she would grab and hold me when she thrusted her hips onto mine, does this still count as COCSA?
Answer by Dr. Laura
PhD Mental Health Nurse & Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner
I’m really sorry you’re feeling so unsure and overwhelmed about what happened. Even if it was over clothing and it happened quickly, any unwanted sexual contact where you didn’t have the chance to say no can be deeply unsettling. COCSA (Child-on-Child Sexual Abuse) isn’t determined by how long something lasts or whether it happened over clothing. It’s about whether you truly had a choice in the situation and felt comfortable and safe in your body.
If she held you so you couldn’t move or speak up, that takes away your ability to give or refuse consent. No one should thrust their hips onto you or make sexual contact without making sure you’re okay with it. It’s normal to doubt or minimize your experience, especially if it happened quickly or didn’t involve force in the way people often imagine. However, your discomfort and the fact that you never got the chance to voice how you felt are significant signs that your boundaries weren’t respected.
Even brief moments of unwanted contact can leave you feeling confused, powerless, or distressed afterward. If these memories are weighing on you now, it might help to talk to someone you trust or to seek out a professional who understands how complex these experiences can be. You deserve support, reassurance, and a space to process your feelings, and it’s okay to reach out for help when you’re ready.
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Grounding activity
Find a comfortable place to sit. Gently close your eyes and take a couple of deep breaths - in through your nose (count to 3), out through your mouth (count of 3). Now open your eyes and look around you. Name the following out loud:
5 – things you can see (you can look within the room and out of the window)
4 – things you can feel (what is in front of you that you can touch?)
3 – things you can hear
2 – things you can smell
1 – thing you like about yourself.
Take a deep breath to end.
From where you are sitting, look around for things that have a texture or are nice or interesting to look at.
Hold an object in your hand and bring your full focus to it. Look at where shadows fall on parts of it or maybe where there are shapes that form within the object. Feel how heavy or light it is in your hand and what the surface texture feels like under your fingers (This can also be done with a pet if you have one).
Take a deep breath to end.
Ask yourself the following questions and answer them out loud:
1. Where am I?
2. What day of the week is today?
3. What is today’s date?
4. What is the current month?
5. What is the current year?
6. How old am I?
7. What season is it?
Take a deep breath to end.
Put your right hand palm down on your left shoulder. Put your left hand palm down on your right shoulder. Choose a sentence that will strengthen you. For example: “I am powerful.” Say the sentence out loud first and pat your right hand on your left shoulder, then your left hand on your right shoulder.
Alternate the patting. Do ten pats altogether, five on each side, each time repeating your sentences aloud.
Take a deep breath to end.
Cross your arms in front of you and draw them towards your chest. With your right hand, hold your left upper arm. With your left hand, hold your right upper arm. Squeeze gently, and pull your arms inwards. Hold the squeeze for a little while, finding the right amount of squeeze for you in this moment. Hold the tension and release. Then squeeze for a little while again and release. Stay like that for a moment.
Take a deep breath to end.