I think I'm a victim of COCSA (Child-on-Child Sexual Abuse), but I'm not sure. The whole thing is sort of a blur and I only remembered it last year. It happened in second grade at a sleepover with my friend who was about a year older than me. We were really into role-playing, and they asked me to do a different kind of role-play - sex. I'm not sure if I knew what it was; I had a rough idea but didn't really know. But they did know. They took me under the covers of my bed and touched me (not penetration), and made me touch them back, which was the part I didn't like. But I had a crush on them, so I'm confused if that counts as abuse. The whole situation was weird, and I'm scared because I don't want to call it something that it's not. (They also introduced me to different forms of porn.)

Thank you so much for reaching out and sharing your story with us. When we look back on childhood experiences, especially those involving intimate or sexual actions, it can be challenging to make sense of them with our adult understanding. At such a young age—in second grade—you were still learning about boundaries, relationships, and what different kinds of touch meant. Children are naturally curious and often engage in role-playing as a way to understand the world around them. However, when that play involves sexual behavior, it can become confusing and sometimes unsettling.

You mentioned that your friend was a year older and seemed to have a better understanding of what sex was. It's important to note that at only one year older than you, they should not have had such complex knowledge of sex. This type of advanced sexual knowledge in young children can sometimes be a sign that they themselves may have been exposed to inappropriate sexual content or experiences. While this does not negate the harm you have experienced, this might also provide some important context as you are processing what happened to you.

Child-on-Child Sexual Abuse (COCSA) refers to sexual behavior between children that occurs without consent, by manipulation, or coercion, or where there's a significant power imbalance or developmental difference. The fact that they seemed to have more knowledge about sexual matters and introduced you to sexual role-play and pornography at that age could have been overwhelming, especially if you didn't fully grasp what was happening.

The discomfort you felt when they made you touch them back is important. Feeling uncomfortable or not wanting to engage in certain activities is a clear indication that your boundaries were crossed, even if you couldn't articulate it at the time. Your body recognized something was wrong, even if you couldn't fully process it then.

Having a crush on someone doesn't mean you wanted or consented to everything that happened. It's common for children to have innocent feelings of affection or admiration, but that doesn't negate your right to feel safe and comfortable. At that age, children typically don't have the emotional or cognitive development to truly consent to sexual activities. The confusion you feel about whether you "wanted it" is very common in these situations and doesn't invalidate your experience or feelings.

Many survivors don't remember or process these experiences until years later, which is a normal protective mechanism. Your brain may have needed time and psychological safety before it felt ready to process these memories. The fact that you only remembered this last year is completely normal.

It's also natural to be hesitant about labeling the experience as something specific like COCSA. Labels can be helpful for some people in making sense of their experiences, but what's most important is acknowledging how the situation made you feel and how it might still be affecting you now. Your hesitation to label your experience shows thoughtfulness and care.

Feeling scared or worried about "calling it something that it's not" is understandable. You don't have to force yourself to label the experience if you're not ready or if it doesn't feel right. Instead, focus on your feelings and what you need right now. Consider reaching out to a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in childhood experiences if you feel ready. They can provide a safe space for you to explore these feelings without judgment or pressure to define them in any particular way.

Remember, you're not alone in this. Many people have had confusing experiences in their childhood that they struggle to understand later in life. Be gentle with yourself as you navigate these emotions, and know that it's okay to take your time in figuring out what this experience means for you. Healing is possible, and understanding our past experiences is often an important part of that journey.