Question

I recently left my abusive ex-fiancé and have been attending therapy regularly to process my experiences. As I heal, more memories are surfacing. I'm working on setting boundaries and demanding respect, which is a change from my previous people-pleasing behavior. However, my family seems unsupportive of my healing journey. They get angry about my therapy attendance and my new boundaries. I believe they might think I somehow caused my ex's abusive behavior. As someone recovering from severe abuse and changing long-standing patterns, how can I help my family understand and support my healing process? What strategies can I use to deal with their judgment and lack of support? How can I maintain my boundaries and continue my healing journey while navigating these challenging family dynamics?

Answer

Thank you for trusting us with this. This is so tough. I want to start by commending you for your courage leaving an abusive situation and for your commitment to healing. Your dedication to therapy and personal growth is admirable, and is an essential part of recovering from abuse.

Prioritizing your healing at this stage is necessary, regardless of how others, including family members, perceive it. The changes you're making - setting boundaries, demanding respect, and moving away from people-pleasing behaviors - are positive steps toward your well-being and recovery.

Dealing with unsupportive family members during this crucial time can be challenging, but there are strategies that might help. Education can be a powerful tool. For example, sharing information about abuse and its effects with your family may help them understand the complexities of abusive relationships and the healing process. It's also crucial to continue establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries with your family, which might include limiting discussions about your therapy or healing process if they respond negatively.

Seeking additional support outside your family can be invaluable. Engaging with support groups for abuse survivors or connecting with understanding friends can provide the validation and encouragement you need. Remember, it's never your fault for experiencing abuse. If your family suggests you caused the abuse, it's important to firmly reject this notion. Abuse is always the choice of the abuser.

Communication is key in navigating these challenging family dynamics. Express your needs and feelings to your family using "I" statements, such as "I feel hurt when my efforts to heal are criticized." Be patient with your family as they adjust to the changes they see in you. If they're open to it, family therapy could help them understand your experience and how to support you better.

Maintaining your boundaries and continuing your healing journey is crucial, even if it creates tension with your family. Your well-being must be your priority. If family interactions become too stressful or hinder your healing, it's okay to create some distance while you focus on your recovery.

Lastly, be proud of the steps you're taking. Healing from abuse and changing long-standing patterns is challenging work. You prioritizing this shows immense strength. Your healing journey is deeply personal and valid, regardless of others' opinions. Keep focusing on your growth and recovery, and remember that you deserve support, respect, and understanding as you heal. Thank you for reaching out to us. You are not alone.