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I hesitate to report my rapist because of his age. He has wrecked me financially, and while I don't want him to spend the rest of his life in prison, I feel like I have no other option. The mental trauma is too crippling for me to work. He claims he cannot make restitution and that I have no right to sue his insurance for liability. What are my options?
Answer by Dr. Laura
PhD Mental Health Nurse & Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner
Thank you for asking this. The complexity of what you are navigating right now is real, and the fact that you are weighing all of this so carefully says a lot about who you are as a person. It is completely valid to hold complicated feelings about reporting, including not wanting a certain outcome for someone, even someone who has caused you profound harm.
What is important for you to know is that reporting does not automatically mean you control the outcome, and not reporting does not mean you have no other options. These are decisions you deserve to make with full information rather than based on what your rapist has told you, because it is worth saying clearly that someone who has already harmed you is not a reliable source of information about your legal rights.
On the question of restitution and liability, his claim that you have no right to pursue legal action is not something you should take at face value. Civil and criminal processes are separate, and what is or is not covered by insurance, what assets may or may not be available, and what legal remedies exist for survivors are all questions that a victims' rights attorney can help you explore. The National Crime Victim Bar Association specializes in connecting survivors with attorneys who handle civil cases, and many offer free consultations. You deserve the full picture before accepting anything he has told you as true.
The financial and psychological toll of what he did to you is real and significant, and the fact that your trauma is preventing you from working is itself a form of ongoing harm. Every state has a Crime Victims' Compensation Program that may be able to provide financial relief for things like lost wages and mental health treatment, regardless of whether you choose to report. RAINN, which you can reach at rainn.org or 1-800-656-HOPE, can connect you to your local compensation program as well as advocates who can walk alongside you through any of these decisions, all on your own timeline and entirely on your terms.
You do not have to make any decisions right now, and you do not have to navigate this alone. What he told you about your options was designed to keep you from pursuing them. You deserve to know what is truly available to you. Thank you for reaching out to us.
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Grounding activity
Find a comfortable place to sit. Gently close your eyes and take a couple of deep breaths - in through your nose (count to 3), out through your mouth (count of 3). Now open your eyes and look around you. Name the following out loud:
5 – things you can see (you can look within the room and out of the window)
4 – things you can feel (what is in front of you that you can touch?)
3 – things you can hear
2 – things you can smell
1 – thing you like about yourself.
Take a deep breath to end.
From where you are sitting, look around for things that have a texture or are nice or interesting to look at.
Hold an object in your hand and bring your full focus to it. Look at where shadows fall on parts of it or maybe where there are shapes that form within the object. Feel how heavy or light it is in your hand and what the surface texture feels like under your fingers (This can also be done with a pet if you have one).
Take a deep breath to end.
Ask yourself the following questions and answer them out loud:
1. Where am I?
2. What day of the week is today?
3. What is today’s date?
4. What is the current month?
5. What is the current year?
6. How old am I?
7. What season is it?
Take a deep breath to end.
Put your right hand palm down on your left shoulder. Put your left hand palm down on your right shoulder. Choose a sentence that will strengthen you. For example: “I am powerful.” Say the sentence out loud first and pat your right hand on your left shoulder, then your left hand on your right shoulder.
Alternate the patting. Do ten pats altogether, five on each side, each time repeating your sentences aloud.
Take a deep breath to end.
Cross your arms in front of you and draw them towards your chest. With your right hand, hold your left upper arm. With your left hand, hold your right upper arm. Squeeze gently, and pull your arms inwards. Hold the squeeze for a little while, finding the right amount of squeeze for you in this moment. Hold the tension and release. Then squeeze for a little while again and release. Stay like that for a moment.
Take a deep breath to end.