I have memories from early childhood (around 3-4 years old) of my older sister initiating sexual contact with me. She asked me to perform oral acts on her, would kiss me unexpectedly, showed me explicit movies she found, and I thought this was normal. I had similar experiences with other children at parties where they would kiss me or engage in inappropriate touching. As an adult, I struggle with consenting to sexual acts I don't want to do just to please others. My sister recently apologized for kissing me as a child, but I don't think she remembers the more sexual aspects. How do I process these childhood experiences and their impact on my adult relationships?

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. What you're describing sounds extremely confusing to process and we appreciate your trust.

As a young child, you couldn't have fully understood what was happening or the implications of those actions. Children naturally follow the lead of those around them as they learn about the world, particularly from older siblings or peers. They often don't have the context to understand sexual experiences or the ability to meaningfully consent, even with other children. The fact that you "played along" doesn't make it your fault. At that age, it's normal to trust and follow the lead of those close to you, especially family members.

It's also important to acknowledge that your sister may have been influenced by things she was exposed to, such as the illicit movies she found. Children who initiate sexual behavior with other children have often been exposed to sexual content or experiences themselves, though not always. She might not fully remember or understand the extent of what happened between you both. Her recent apology indicates that she's beginning to process these events as well.

The pattern you describe of consenting to unwanted sexual acts as an adult to please others is a common response among people who experienced sexual boundary violations in childhood. These early events can shape how we perceive relationships and boundaries, making it challenging to assert our own needs and desires as adults. This pattern can develop because early experiences taught you that your role was to accommodate others' sexual desires regardless of your own feelings. This is not your fault, but rather an adaptation your mind created to navigate confusing experiences.

Remember that you are not to blame for what happened. The responsibility lies with the adults who should have provided guidance and protection. The feelings of confusion, shame, and the tendency to prioritize others' needs over your own are understandable responses to your experiences.

Healing from these experiences often involves working with a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in childhood sexual experiences. They can help you process these memories, understand their impact on your current relationships, and develop healthier boundaries around consent. Many people find that with support, they can develop a stronger connection to their own desires and needs, making it easier to engage only in sexual activities they genuinely want.

Please know that your experiences are valid, and the impacts you're feeling are real, regardless of whether everyone involved remembers events the same way. You deserve understanding and compassion, both from others and from yourself. Healing takes time, but you don't have to go through it alone. Thank you so much for trusting us with this. You are not alone.