I feel disconnected from myself. I experienced sexual abuse when I was very young (at 4 or 5 years old by my uncles) and was exposed to inappropriate situations, which caused my memory to fragment. For months now, I've been dealing with severe OCD focused on false memories and sexuality. I have obsessive doubts about whether I became aroused while watching explicit content, and I feel overwhelming guilt and depression. I'm terrified that I might be like the people who abused me, or that I acted inappropriately in ways I don't remember. How can I cope with these intrusive thoughts and the intense guilt I'm experiencing?

Thank you for reaching out and sharing what you're going through. I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you, and I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling this way. Experiencing abuse at such a young age can have profound and lasting effects, and it's understandable that you're grappling with these painful emotions and thoughts now.

What you're experiencing is incredibly common among survivors of childhood sexual abuse, and I want you to know that these thoughts don't define who you are. It's important to remember that the intrusive thoughts and doubts you're experiencing are not a reflection of who you are as a person. Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) can cause unwanted, intrusive thoughts that can be distressing and unsettling. These thoughts often focus on topics that are the most upsetting to us, which is why they can feel so disturbing.

Feeling guilty or worried about these thoughts doesn't mean that you are like your uncles or that you would ever harm anyone. The very fact that these thoughts distress you shows that they go against your true values and beliefs. You're not alone in experiencing this. Many people with OCD have similar struggles with intrusive thoughts.

Childhood trauma can create patterns of obsessive thinking and doubts about our own nature, especially when combined with OCD. The traumatized brain often creates confusing connections between past experiences and present responses. When you were abused as a child, your brain and body were still developing, and any involuntary physiological responses you may have had mean nothing about your character or intentions. Children don't have the capacity to consent or fully understand sexual experiences, and any bodily response was simply an automatic biological reaction.

OCD with sexual and false memory themes is particularly cruel because it directly attacks our sense of moral identity. These obsessive thoughts are not predictions about your future behavior nor confessions of hidden desires. They are symptoms of a disorder that feeds on your deepest values and greatest fears. The fact that these thoughts cause you so much distress is evidence that they go against your true values.

The guilt you feel is understandable but not based in reality. You are a survivor dealing with the complex aftermath of trauma, not someone who shares the characteristics of those who harmed you. The fundamental difference is that you feel empathy, guilt, and concern for others' wellbeing, while those who commit abuse typically lack these qualities.

Please consider reaching out to a mental health professional who can provide support and guidance, particularly one with experience in the intersections of trauma and OCD. They can help you work through these feelings and develop strategies to manage the intrusive thoughts. You might also consider medication if a psychiatrist recommends it, as it can help reduce the intensity of obsessive thoughts. Perhaps ask your medical doctor about that at your next health appointment.

You do not have to face this alone. There are people who care and want to help you navigate through this difficult time. Be gentle with yourself. Healing from trauma takes time, and it's okay to seek help along the way. Thank you for trusting us with this.