I experienced unwanted touching and kissing when I was 12-13 from a boy a year older than me who was staying with family friends for a week. He would follow me to hiding places during games and touch me, which gave me mixed emotions of curiosity and discomfort. He created situations to be alone with me, touched me in "intimate areas" over my clothes, and I felt "dirty" and anxious someone might find out. Later he asked for explicit photos which I blocked. I've never talked to a professional about this and feel guilty for not pushing him away. At the time, I thought I should feel "grateful" for doing something "cool" and "grown up," but I still feel gross about it years later. Is this considered COCSA or trauma?

Thank you for sharing your story. It takes a lot of courage to talk about such personal and confusing experiences, especially when they've been weighing on you for so long. Your feelings of discomfort, guilt, and confusion are completely valid, and I'm sorry you've been carrying this alone.

What you described could indeed be considered Child-on-Child Sexual Abuse (COCSA). COCSA refers to sexual activities between children when there is a lack of consent, or when one child uses force, coercion, or manipulation to involve another child in sexual activities. In your situation, the boy was persistent in initiating unwanted physical contact and created situations where you were alone together, despite your attempts to avoid him. His behavior of acting differently around adults and making you feel uncomfortable indicates that he was aware that his actions were inappropriate.

It's important to understand that at the age of 12 or 13, you were still developing your understanding of relationships and boundaries. The mixed emotions you felt—curiosity, confusion, and discomfort—are very common in such situations. Feeling like you "should" be excited or grateful is a result of societal pressures and misconceptions about growing up, and not a reflection of any wrongdoing on your part.

Only you can decide what labels feel right for your experience. For some survivors, having terminology like "COCSA" or "trauma" helps validate their feelings and connect them to resources. For others, these labels may feel too clinical or restrictive. What matters most is how you process and understand what happened to you, not what anyone else calls it. Your experience is real regardless of what terms you use to describe it.

Please know that it was not your fault. You did not consent to his actions, and you were not responsible for stopping them. Children often find it difficult to assert boundaries in complex social situations, especially when they involve peers or someone slightly older.

Carrying feelings of guilt and shame can be a heavy burden. It might be helpful to talk to a mental health professional who can provide support and help you process these emotions. They can offer a safe space to explore your feelings and assist you in understanding and healing from this experience.

Remember, you are not alone, and there are people who care and want to support you. Take care of yourself. Thank you for trusting us with this.