I experienced sexual abuse as a child by two uncles. I believe I have PTSD, depression, and developed OCD. I feel very bad because I think that sometimes I fantasized about my two uncles when I was a teenager and a few years ago (around age 21-22). I'm not sure if this is real because my OCD involves false memories. But I seem to remember that while dancing with one uncle, I liked feeling him close. I'm wondering if this happens with other survivors.

Thank you for trusting us with this. What you're describing is something that many survivors experience, and I want you to know that having these kinds of thoughts or feelings does not make what happened to you any less wrong, nor does it mean you wanted or caused the abuse. The confusion you're feeling is a common and understandable response to childhood sexual abuse, especially when the abuse was perpetrated by family members.

When abuse happens during childhood and adolescence, it can deeply affect how our brains and bodies develop and respond to closeness, touch, and arousal. Children and teenagers are still learning about boundaries, relationships, and their own sexuality. When abuse occurs during these formative years, it can create confusing associations between the person who hurt you and feelings of attention, closeness, or even physical sensations that your body might have responded to. This doesn't mean you wanted the abuse or that you're responsible for it in any way. It means your developing brain was trying to make sense of something that should never have happened. Trauma can sometimes blur the lines between what we feel in a moment of survival and how we later interpret or remember that experience, especially when another condition like OCD is also at play.

It's also important to acknowledge what you've shared about having OCD with false memories. This adds another layer of complexity because OCD can make it incredibly difficult to trust your own recollections and can create intrusive thoughts that feel real but may not reflect actual events or genuine desires. The uncertainty you're experiencing about whether these memories or feelings are real is part of how OCD can challenge survivors, making it hard to distinguish between what actually happened, what you actually felt, and what your OCD is making you question. When you have OCD, it can add extra layers of uncertainty and self-doubt about what is or is not real.

Many survivors speak of similar moments of confusion, questioning their experiences or feeling shame when they recall any instance where they might have welcomed closeness, even briefly. Having a brief sense of comfort or excitement during a dance, or later recalling fantasies about the person who hurt you, does not mean you consented to the abuse or that you are responsible for it in any way. It is common for survivors to carry guilt or shame about natural human responses and fleeting moments of warmth they might remember, such as enjoying a dance, seeking approval, or wanting comfort. These thoughts do not erase what was done to you, nor do they diminish the impact of the abuse. Trauma can create complicated feelings toward the people who caused harm, especially when those people are family members who may have also shown you kindness or attention at times. This doesn't change the fact that what they did was abuse and was not your fault. You were a child when the abuse began, and children cannot consent or be responsible for adult behavior toward them, regardless of any feelings or responses they may have had.

Be gentle with yourself and recognize that no part of you ever asked to be harmed. Having this awareness may be upsetting, but it does not define you or your healing journey. You did nothing wrong by seeking or remembering moments of closeness, and acknowledging these thoughts or fantasies now is just another step toward understanding your past on your own terms. Your healing journey is yours, and you deserve support as you process these difficult and painful experiences. You are worthy of support, care, and the opportunity to unpack these feelings at a pace that feels right for you.