I experienced abuse from ages 5-8 by a neighbor who was two years older. He had a 'secret game' in a hidden area of the park that involved inappropriate touching and harmful acts, sometimes with another child present. This occurred regularly over several years. I've struggled with understanding if this qualifies as abuse given our ages and my lack of resistance. As a lonely child, I was drawn to the attention. The behavior stopped when we entered the same school, and he ceased contact. I kept this secret until age 19. The experience has left me with deep shame and confusion about whether my feelings are warranted. While working with a therapist, I've found some relief in learning about childhood-on-childhood sexual abuse (COCSA). My therapist keeps warning me from speaking about my experiences, however, and I’m feeling very alone in this journey as I try to heal. I'm seeking guidance on processing these experiences and understanding their impact.

Thank you so much for sharing this with us. It takes immense courage to reflect on such deeply personal experiences. First and foremost, please know that your feelings are valid, and you're not alone in feeling this way.

What you described from your childhood sounds confusing and distressing, and it's completely understandable that you're grappling with feelings of shame and uncertainty. Even though both you and your neighbor were children at the time, the activities you were involved in went beyond typical childhood exploration. The presence of secrecy, coercion, and a power imbalance—especially when he demonstrated control over you in front of others—are significant factors indicating that these experiences were not healthy or consensual.

It's common for survivors of childhood abuse to question whether what happened to them "counts" as abuse, particularly when there's a lack of physical force or if they felt complicit at the time. It's important to remember that as a child, you were not capable of giving informed consent to these activities. Your neighbor, being older and exerting control, was in a position of power, and it's not uncommon for children to comply with or even seek attention from others, especially when feeling lonely or isolated.
The responsibility lies with those who initiated and perpetuated the abuse. You were a child seeking connection and attempting to understand the world around you.

Regarding your therapist's warnings about speaking about your experiences, processing trauma often involves discussing and unpacking these memories in a safe and supportive environment. If you feel that your therapist isn't providing the support you need or is discouraging you from expressing yourself, it might be worth considering seeking a second opinion or finding a therapist who specializes in trauma and childhood abuse. A professional who understands the nuances of Child-on-Child Sexual Abuse (COCSA) can offer you the appropriate guidance and help you navigate your healing journey.

It's also helpful to connect with support groups or online communities where others have gone through similar experiences. Sharing with others who understand can alleviate feelings of isolation and provide additional perspectives on healing. Remember, healing is not linear, and it's okay to have mixed feelings about your past. Be patient and compassionate with yourself as you work through these emotions. You deserve understanding, support, and the freedom to express your truth without fear or shame.

You're not alone, and there are resources and people who can help you. Please continue to reach out and advocate for the support you need. Thank you for reaching out to us. You are not alone.