How do I deal with the shame and guilt of being both a survivor and someone who may have caused harm as a teenager? I experienced emotional abuse, neglect, untreated OCD and Autism/ADHD, early exposure to pornography, and a major family breakdown. I was also violated by a trusted adult, which deeply affected me. I have a memory I'm terrified may be real of briefly exposing myself to a much younger cousin while babysitting as a teenager, and possibly gesturing for them to touch me. I know for certain I wasn't seeking sexual gratification, and I didn't understand at the time that it could be considered sexual assault. I've since spoken with my cousin as an adult, they have no memory of me babysitting them, and we have a good relationship. There was no contact, no coercion, and it was stopped after a moment. I have never done anything like this since and have no attraction to children whatsoever. I also have OCD and struggle with false memories and intrusive thoughts about whether I'm a good person, and I genuinely don't know if this memory is real. I'm struggling to make sense of all of this. I feel like I don't deserve anything. I'm not sharing my history to justify what may have happened, I take full responsibility, but I'm looking for help understanding how to carry this.

Thank you for reaching out to us about this. What you're carrying sounds incredibly heavy, and the honesty and care you're bringing to this speaks to the kind of person you are today.

Something worth gently naming is that the way you're describing this experience. For example, the terror about the memory, the need to examine every detail, the catastrophic shame is very consistent with how OCD can show up around themes of morality and harm. OCD is known for attaching to the fears that feel most unbearable and using shame and rumination to keep you stuck in a loop. This doesn't automatically mean the answer is "it didn't happen," but it does mean that continuing to search for certainty by analyzing the memory and its details is unlikely to bring you peace, and may actually make things harder.

What is worth knowing is that children and teenagers who have experienced trauma, neglect, early exposure to sexual material, and untreated mental health challenges are at much higher risk of engaging in boundary-crossing behaviors. Not because they are dangerous people, but because trauma disrupts healthy development. Context doesn't erase impact, but it does matter when you're trying to understand your own story.

It's also meaningful that your cousin has no memory of this period and that your relationship is a good one. When someone has experienced something distressing, it often shows up in some way. For example, in the relationship, in their behavior, or in their wellbeing. The absence of that isn't a guarantee of anything, but it is a genuinely good sign and is worth holding onto rather than dismissing.

The most important thing you can do right now is work with a therapist trained in both OCD and trauma. They can help you navigate this without feeding the rumination cycle, and without dismissing the very real pain you're carrying. You have not repeated this behavior. You have no attraction to children. You have a good relationship with your cousin. Those things are real, and they are also part of your story. You deserve support in untangling this. Thank you for trusting us with this.