How do I confront my older cousin who caused me harm years ago? She's never taken responsibility for what happened, and I can see the lasting impact it's had on me. We both live in the same city now. How should I approach contacting her about this?

Deciding whether and how to confront someone who harmed you is an incredibly personal choice that deserves careful consideration. There's no single "right" way to handle this situation, and whatever you decide should prioritize your safety, healing, and wellbeing above all else.

Before reaching out, it can be helpful to clarify your own goals and expectations. Are you hoping for an acknowledgment of what happened, an apology, changed behavior, or simply the opportunity to speak your truth? Understanding what you're seeking can help you prepare mentally and emotionally, while also recognizing that you cannot control how the other person responds. Many survivors find it painful when confrontations don't lead to the accountability they hoped for, so preparing for various outcomes can be protective.

Consider your support system as you navigate this decision. Having trusted friends, family members, or a therapist who can provide emotional support before, during, and after any contact can be invaluable. Some survivors find it helpful to write out what they want to say beforehand, practice with a support person, or even send a letter instead of having a face-to-face conversation. Others prefer phone calls or meeting in neutral, public spaces if they choose direct contact.

It's important to trust your instincts about safety. If you have any concerns about how this person might react, consider involving a trusted third party or choosing a method of communication that feels safest for you. You also have the right to change your mind at any point - you can start a conversation and end it if it becomes harmful, or decide not to reach out at all.

Remember that confrontation isn't the only path to healing. Many survivors find peace through therapy, writing, creative expression, or connecting with other survivors, regardless of whether they ever speak to the person who harmed them. Your healing belongs to you, and it doesn't depend on another person's response or acknowledgment. Whatever you decide, you deserve support, compassion, and respect for the courage it takes to even consider addressing past harm. Thanks for reaching out to us.