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From ages 4-13, my older brother exposed me to pornography. He would also touch me inappropriately (inserting fingers into my buttocks area) even when I told him to stop, and made sexual comments about my body when I went through puberty, which continues today. I'm trying to understand if these behaviors constitute sexual abuse or if they were just inappropriate sibling interactions. Can you help me understand the nature of these experiences?
Answer by Dr. Laura
PhD Mental Health Nurse & Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner
Thank you for reaching out and sharing your experience with us. What you've described - being shown pornography from age 4, experiencing unwanted touching that continued despite saying "stop," and receiving sexual comments about your developing body - are all serious boundary violations. Your brother may have viewed his actions as teasing or play, and might not have understood the impact of his behavior, particularly if he was young himself or had been exposed to inappropriate content. However, his intent or understanding doesn't minimize the effect these experiences had on you.
Showing pornography to a young child exposes them to sexual content long before they are developmentally ready to understand it. This exposure can be particularly impactful when it starts at such a young age and continues through crucial developmental stages. The physical violations you described - your brother continuing to touch you inappropriately even after you explicitly said "stop" - represent clear violations of your bodily autonomy and right to consent. The ongoing sexual comments about your body, especially during the vulnerable time of puberty, add another layer of boundary violation.
Only you can decide how to categorize or label these experiences. Some people find that naming their experiences helps them process and heal, while others prefer not to use specific labels - both approaches are equally valid. What matters most is how these experiences have affected you and what kind of support you need now, regardless of your brother's intentions at the time.
Your feelings of discomfort and uncertainty about these experiences are completely valid. If you would like support in processing these experiences and their impact on you, a trauma-informed therapist can provide a safe space to explore these feelings without imposing any particular narrative or labels.
Remember, your feelings are valid, regardless of intent. Thank you for reaching out to us and trusting us with this. You are not alone.
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Grounding activity
Find a comfortable place to sit. Gently close your eyes and take a couple of deep breaths - in through your nose (count to 3), out through your mouth (count of 3). Now open your eyes and look around you. Name the following out loud:
5 – things you can see (you can look within the room and out of the window)
4 – things you can feel (what is in front of you that you can touch?)
3 – things you can hear
2 – things you can smell
1 – thing you like about yourself.
Take a deep breath to end.
From where you are sitting, look around for things that have a texture or are nice or interesting to look at.
Hold an object in your hand and bring your full focus to it. Look at where shadows fall on parts of it or maybe where there are shapes that form within the object. Feel how heavy or light it is in your hand and what the surface texture feels like under your fingers (This can also be done with a pet if you have one).
Take a deep breath to end.
Ask yourself the following questions and answer them out loud:
1. Where am I?
2. What day of the week is today?
3. What is today’s date?
4. What is the current month?
5. What is the current year?
6. How old am I?
7. What season is it?
Take a deep breath to end.
Put your right hand palm down on your left shoulder. Put your left hand palm down on your right shoulder. Choose a sentence that will strengthen you. For example: “I am powerful.” Say the sentence out loud first and pat your right hand on your left shoulder, then your left hand on your right shoulder.
Alternate the patting. Do ten pats altogether, five on each side, each time repeating your sentences aloud.
Take a deep breath to end.
Cross your arms in front of you and draw them towards your chest. With your right hand, hold your left upper arm. With your left hand, hold your right upper arm. Squeeze gently, and pull your arms inwards. Hold the squeeze for a little while, finding the right amount of squeeze for you in this moment. Hold the tension and release. Then squeeze for a little while again and release. Stay like that for a moment.
Take a deep breath to end.