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Even though I've been assaulted more by women, I've developed anxiety about men instead. I don't understand why and I feel like its unjustified.
Answer by Dr. Laura
PhD Mental Health Nurse & Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner
I'm so sorry to hear about the assaults you've experienced. Your feelings and reactions are valid, even if they seem confusing or counterintuitive to you. There could be several reasons why you've developed anxiety about men despite experiencing more assaults from women. Let me run through some potential ideas.
To start, societal messaging and cultural norms often emphasize male-perpetrated violence, which might influence your perceptions and fears, even subconsciously. This doesn't invalidate your experiences with women, but it can shape how we process and react to trauma.
In addition, men may be perceived as physically stronger on average compared to women, potentially leading to a greater sense of vulnerability or fear, regardless of your actual experiences.
One other idea is that if any of your experiences with men were particularly traumatic or occurred earlier in life, they might have a more significant psychological impact, even if they were fewer in number. Your anxiety could also be related to specific characteristics or situations associated with men in your experiences, rather than men as a whole.
These are just ideas I have. Trauma responses aren't always logical or directly correlated to the source of trauma. Your brain might be trying to protect you based on a complex mix of experiences, perceptions, and subconscious factors.
Above all, your feelings aren't unjustified – they're a real response to your experiences. However, if this anxiety is impacting your daily life, it might be helpful to work with a trauma-informed therapist. They can help you process your experiences and develop coping strategies for managing your anxiety.
Remember, healing from trauma is a journey, and it's okay to have complex or seemingly contradictory feelings along the way. Your experiences and reactions are valid, and you deserve support in working through them. Thank you so much for asking this question. You are not alone.
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Grounding activity
Find a comfortable place to sit. Gently close your eyes and take a couple of deep breaths - in through your nose (count to 3), out through your mouth (count of 3). Now open your eyes and look around you. Name the following out loud:
5 – things you can see (you can look within the room and out of the window)
4 – things you can feel (what is in front of you that you can touch?)
3 – things you can hear
2 – things you can smell
1 – thing you like about yourself.
Take a deep breath to end.
From where you are sitting, look around for things that have a texture or are nice or interesting to look at.
Hold an object in your hand and bring your full focus to it. Look at where shadows fall on parts of it or maybe where there are shapes that form within the object. Feel how heavy or light it is in your hand and what the surface texture feels like under your fingers (This can also be done with a pet if you have one).
Take a deep breath to end.
Ask yourself the following questions and answer them out loud:
1. Where am I?
2. What day of the week is today?
3. What is today’s date?
4. What is the current month?
5. What is the current year?
6. How old am I?
7. What season is it?
Take a deep breath to end.
Put your right hand palm down on your left shoulder. Put your left hand palm down on your right shoulder. Choose a sentence that will strengthen you. For example: “I am powerful.” Say the sentence out loud first and pat your right hand on your left shoulder, then your left hand on your right shoulder.
Alternate the patting. Do ten pats altogether, five on each side, each time repeating your sentences aloud.
Take a deep breath to end.
Cross your arms in front of you and draw them towards your chest. With your right hand, hold your left upper arm. With your left hand, hold your right upper arm. Squeeze gently, and pull your arms inwards. Hold the squeeze for a little while, finding the right amount of squeeze for you in this moment. Hold the tension and release. Then squeeze for a little while again and release. Stay like that for a moment.
Take a deep breath to end.