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Could you talk about "faking consent?"
Answer by Dr. Laura
PhD Mental Health Nurse & Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner
The concept of "faking consent" is a harmful myth that has no place in discussions about sexual assault. This idea is often weaponized to blame survivors and excuse perpetrators. There is no such thing as "faking" consent. Consent is an active, enthusiastic, and ongoing agreement to participate in sexual activity. It must be freely given without pressure or coercion and is reversible at any time.
The myth of "faking consent" ignores the reality of power dynamics in many situations where survivors may feel pressured or coerced into saying "yes" due to fear, power imbalances, or threats. Additionally, this harmful concept disregards non-verbal cues that are crucial in understanding consent. Consent isn't just about words; body language, tone, and context all matter. Someone might say "yes" while their body language clearly shows discomfort or reluctance. This isn't "faking" - it's a mismatch between verbal and non-verbal communication that should prompt a check-in, not a green light to proceed.
The term "faking consent" oversimplifies complex situations. Sexual encounters can be complicated. Someone might initially consent but change their mind during the act, or they might freeze up and be unable to voice their discomfort. These situations aren't examples of "faking" - they illustrate why ongoing, enthusiastic consent is crucial. Perhaps most harmfully, this myth places blame on survivors, suggesting they're somehow responsible for their assault. This is never true. The responsibility always lies with the person who chose to violate someone else's boundaries.
To survivors who have been told they "faked consent" or who are struggling with feelings of guilt or self-blame: It's not your fault. Never. Your feelings are valid, whatever they may be. There are support services available if you need someone to talk to, and you don't owe anyone an explanation or justification for your experience. Remember: The only person responsible for sexual assault is the person who harmed you. You are believed, you are supported, and you are not alone.
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Grounding activity
Find a comfortable place to sit. Gently close your eyes and take a couple of deep breaths - in through your nose (count to 3), out through your mouth (count of 3). Now open your eyes and look around you. Name the following out loud:
5 – things you can see (you can look within the room and out of the window)
4 – things you can feel (what is in front of you that you can touch?)
3 – things you can hear
2 – things you can smell
1 – thing you like about yourself.
Take a deep breath to end.
From where you are sitting, look around for things that have a texture or are nice or interesting to look at.
Hold an object in your hand and bring your full focus to it. Look at where shadows fall on parts of it or maybe where there are shapes that form within the object. Feel how heavy or light it is in your hand and what the surface texture feels like under your fingers (This can also be done with a pet if you have one).
Take a deep breath to end.
Ask yourself the following questions and answer them out loud:
1. Where am I?
2. What day of the week is today?
3. What is today’s date?
4. What is the current month?
5. What is the current year?
6. How old am I?
7. What season is it?
Take a deep breath to end.
Put your right hand palm down on your left shoulder. Put your left hand palm down on your right shoulder. Choose a sentence that will strengthen you. For example: “I am powerful.” Say the sentence out loud first and pat your right hand on your left shoulder, then your left hand on your right shoulder.
Alternate the patting. Do ten pats altogether, five on each side, each time repeating your sentences aloud.
Take a deep breath to end.
Cross your arms in front of you and draw them towards your chest. With your right hand, hold your left upper arm. With your left hand, hold your right upper arm. Squeeze gently, and pull your arms inwards. Hold the squeeze for a little while, finding the right amount of squeeze for you in this moment. Hold the tension and release. Then squeeze for a little while again and release. Stay like that for a moment.
Take a deep breath to end.