Question

As someone with OCD, I'm struggling with guilt over childhood sexual experimentation that occurred when I was about 14. This involved fully-clothed body rubbing with three female friends, including my 11-year-old stepsister. It was consensual and happened a few times. My therapist says this wasn't abuse, given my lack of ill intent and my own childlike status at the time. However, I'm worried because some definitions suggest such experimentation could be considered abuse. I had no understanding of arousal or orgasms then, and my stepsister has confirmed she never felt wronged. As a mother now, this guilt is affecting my adult life. Can you provide clarity on whether this constitutes Child-on-Child Sexual Abuse (COCSA), considering the circumstances?

Answer

Thank you for reaching out to us. It takes courage to share such a personal experience and seek clarity. It's evident that this situation has caused you significant distress, and your concern reflects a deep sense of empathy and responsibility.

It's important to recognize that your feelings of guilt and worry are valid, even as we examine the context of the situation. While only you and the people you did this with can label the experiences you described, my assessment is the behaviors you shared--consensual, clothed body rubbing with peers during your early adolescence--generally fall within the realm of normal childhood sexual exploration, rather than abuse. 

It's also significant that your therapist, who has a comprehensive understanding of your history, has assessed that this wasn't abuse. Their professional opinion, combined with the lack of force, coercion, or ill intent on your part, and the fact that your stepsister has confirmed she never felt wronged, all point towards this being a case of age-appropriate exploration rather than COCSA.

Your OCD may be causing you to hyperfocus on this past event, magnifying your feelings of guilt and worry. While these feelings are understandable, it's important to try to view this situation in the context of normal childhood development. Your lack of understanding about arousal or orgasms at the time further suggests that your actions were not sexually motivated in an adult sense.

Moving forward, it may be helpful to continue working with your therapist on strategies to manage these intrusive thoughts and feelings. Remember, your concern about this shows your strong moral compass and your commitment to being a caring, responsible person and mother. It's okay to acknowledge that while you're worried about your past actions, the context and circumstances suggest that you did not cause harm or engage in abusive behavior.

Healing from anxiety and intrusive thoughts about past experiences is a journey. Be patient and compassionate with yourself as you work through these feelings. Your dedication to understanding and doing the right thing is clear, and that in itself is a positive attribute. Thank you for trusting us with this. Be gentle with yourself. You are not alone.