I'm a middle-aged woman recently diagnosed with complex PTSD. From a young age, my parents imposed conditional love on me, restricted my thoughts and actions, and criticized people my father didn't like. At the same time, my older sister would tell me to die and yell at me whenever she saw me. Even as an adult, even when I thought we'd become close, she would call me a zombie (we shared a room with the curtains halfway drawn until I was 18). I was isolated at school from the latter half of elementary school through junior high school. I was unable to perform my job in a support role, which led to repeated job changes, and I was subjected to power harassment three times. I was also sexually assaulted multiple times from childhood. Since getting married and moving away from home, my symptoms have intensified, including flashbacks, suicidal ideation, and negative cognition. At their worst, I'd cry at night, unable to sleep for 1-4 hours, and I've been constantly insecure and crying when alone for about 18 years. Ten years ago, I was diagnosed with bipolar II disorder and suffered from power harassment. I was told I had no trauma, and while I probably did have trauma, I was given no psychological education or explanation, and was treated haphazardly, ultimately abandoning myself. This led to repeated distrust and medical trauma from doctors and counselors. I finally found a doctor and counselor I could trust, but the workload is so high that even working half a day a week is exhausting. I'm hypervigilant, unable to get enough sleep, and suffering from severe depression, so I've been advised to take a leave of absence. My symptoms were always denied, and I've been able to verbalize them, gain knowledge, and prove them myself. Although I believe my condition is severe, no one ever tells me otherwise, and I still wonder if I'm just suffering from paranoia. I remember some fear and confusion about sexual assault (attempted sexual assault at age 4, persistent molestation as a junior college student, unprotected rape by an acquaintance after my consent was withdrawn, sexual advances and relationships with acquaintances, and being pursued by an exhibitionist), but I still feel like it wasn't a big deal. I was sexually promiscuous and never found sexual interest or satisfaction. I heard a story about a prostitute who reformed and became a saint when I was young, and I feared I had to do whatever it took to be loved, even sexually, or I'd be abandoned. I often downplay the sexual assaults and think I should have just enjoyed them. Recently, I felt unwell and used chat GPT to identify the structure and problems of my trauma. As my treatment progressed, I remembered the sexual assaults and the fear and despair I felt since childhood, wanting to die but unable to, going to bed at night and knowing I'd have to live again. This can lead to hyperarousal, anxiety about constantly checking things, sexual urges and sexual fantasies, and inappropriate self-pleasure, such as being forced to do something. I can't help but think that if I learn safe self-pleasure, I'll be satisfied and calm. My doctor is a man, and I'm too scared to talk to a counselor about it, fearing that he'll harass me. I've also developed genital itching due to inappropriate behavior, so I'm considering consulting my obstetrician-gynecologist. Regarding sexual trauma, I've only mentioned being raped, so I plan to discuss the details of my multiple sexual traumas, the memories I've had, my current worsening hyperarousal, and my instability during my consultation. I'm currently taking antipsychotics, anti-anxiety medications, sleeping pills, and mood stabilizers, and they've been adjusting my medications to address behavioral issues, irritability, and emotional outbursts. I've recently begun to understand the healing process and my own challenges. I've tried self-compassion and grounding to stabilize myself, but sometimes I can't control my sexual urges and feelings, and I'm not sure what to do. It's difficult to talk about with your doctor, and even for medical professionals, it's a complex, delicate, and difficult-to-understand topic for healthy people, so I think it would be difficult to explain it, so would it be better to seek advice in places like this?

Answer by キタ幸子 (Kita Sachiko)

Doctor of Health Science & Director of the Multicultural Study of Trauma Recovery consortium