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Survivor story
I hate men and will never feel safe again
Original story
Hi um. I'm Z and I'm a victim of cocsa (child on child sexual assault). Anyways, I'll make this quick. I was with my cousins for the weekend and they took me to a friend's house with them. They had a kid my age (10) and one a bit younger (8/9). The one my age wasn't around that much, so I started talking with the younger one. I trusted him, telling him about my nervousness around people (which I later found out to be social anxiety). Later that night, he took me into his mom's room and locked the door. At first, it was just him falling on top of me, pinning me to the ground. I thought it was weird, but didn't think much of it. Then it happened. It gets foggy around here. We were flipping through stations and I thought it'd be funny to watch Peppa Pig. As we sat there and watched, he slipped my hand up my shirt.. I don't think I had started wearing a bra at this point, though I probably should've. It was the summer, so I was wearing a crop top and jean shorts. He tried rubbing down there but the jeans made it hard to feel much. I was so shocked, I didn't know what to do and just froze. I sit there and let it happen. I had to spend the night there. I couldn't sleep much, or that well. I was up, terrified that he'd sneak into the room and do it again. And then he did. Though by now it had been a few years, we'll say about 2. Again, went over with my cousins. It was for Easter. I saw more of his brother this time around. I'm not entirely sure why, but I just remember we kept like, physically fighting - in a "joking" way. I'm not entirely sure how I got there, but suddenly he's on me. He's laying there, groping me, rubbing himself on me and I can't help but wonder - why did it happen again? His excuse was cause I had kicked him in the balls. I still have trouble telling myself that because I didn't consent it's sa but it's hard. After a few years it got out and he was let go because "he was probably just curious". Well I wasn't. Now I have to deal with the long term effects of his "curiosity". And my aunt has brought it up a few times, acting like it's all fun and games. That's all I'm tired it's almost 4AM
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Grounding activity
Find a comfortable place to sit. Gently close your eyes and take a couple of deep breaths - in through your nose (count to 3), out through your mouth (count of 3). Now open your eyes and look around you. Name the following out loud:
5 – things you can see (you can look within the room and out of the window)
4 – things you can feel (what is in front of you that you can touch?)
3 – things you can hear
2 – things you can smell
1 – thing you like about yourself.
Take a deep breath to end.
From where you are sitting, look around for things that have a texture or are nice or interesting to look at.
Hold an object in your hand and bring your full focus to it. Look at where shadows fall on parts of it or maybe where there are shapes that form within the object. Feel how heavy or light it is in your hand and what the surface texture feels like under your fingers (This can also be done with a pet if you have one).
Take a deep breath to end.
Ask yourself the following questions and answer them out loud:
1. Where am I?
2. What day of the week is today?
3. What is today’s date?
4. What is the current month?
5. What is the current year?
6. How old am I?
7. What season is it?
Take a deep breath to end.
Put your right hand palm down on your left shoulder. Put your left hand palm down on your right shoulder. Choose a sentence that will strengthen you. For example: “I am powerful.” Say the sentence out loud first and pat your right hand on your left shoulder, then your left hand on your right shoulder.
Alternate the patting. Do ten pats altogether, five on each side, each time repeating your sentences aloud.
Take a deep breath to end.
Cross your arms in front of you and draw them towards your chest. With your right hand, hold your left upper arm. With your left hand, hold your right upper arm. Squeeze gently, and pull your arms inwards. Hold the squeeze for a little while, finding the right amount of squeeze for you in this moment. Hold the tension and release. Then squeeze for a little while again and release. Stay like that for a moment.
Take a deep breath to end.