Someone who assaulted me months ago recently threatened suicide and blamed me for not forgiving them. During our confrontation, we both exchanged harmful words about self-harm and I had a harsh response to them because I was at my breaking point. They're now in the hospital and seem to be portraying themselves as the victim. Was my harsh response wrong given the circumstances and my emotional state?

Thank you for trusting us with this difficult situation. First and foremost, I want to acknowledge how incredibly painful and confusing this must be for you. Being confronted by someone who has harmed you, only to have them threaten self-harm when you don't respond as they want, creates an overwhelming emotional burden that no one should have to carry.

When someone who has caused harm threatens self-harm or suicide while blaming you for not forgiving them, it creates an incredibly difficult situation that can feel overwhelming. This type of interaction often represents a form of emotional manipulation that adds another layer of trauma to what you've already experienced. What you're describing is unfortunately common in the aftermath of assault. When perpetrators use suicide threats, they're often employing what trauma specialists recognize as a powerful control tactic that shifts attention away from the harm they caused and instead forces you into a caretaking role.

Responding with anger or harsh words when pushed to your breaking point is a human reaction, especially when confronted by someone who has deeply hurt you and is now attempting to make you responsible for their wellbeing. Many trauma survivors describe feeling cornered in these situations, where neither response feels right - staying calm seems impossible, yet reacting strongly brings its own guilt. The fact that you're reflecting on your words shows tremendous self-awareness, especially given the extreme pressure you were under.

It's important to recognize that you are not responsible for another person's choices regarding self-harm. Mental health professionals consistently emphasize that while we should take threats seriously (by alerting appropriate emergency services if needed), the decision to self-harm ultimately belongs to the individual making that choice, not to those around them. This dynamic can reactivate trauma responses, potentially triggering fight, flight, or freeze reactions that might include saying things you wouldn't normally say.

The dynamics between survivors and those who have harmed them are complex. Setting boundaries - even firmly - is not only acceptable but often necessary for your healing process. Many support professionals recommend limited or no contact with those who have caused harm, especially when they continue patterns of manipulation or blame. As you move forward, try to extend to yourself the same compassion you might offer to a friend in your situation. Healing from trauma is rarely a straight line, and navigating interactions with someone who has harmed you requires tremendous emotional strength.

Consider reaching out to support services that specialize in trauma recovery. They can offer guidance specific to your situation and help you process these complex emotions without judgment. Your well-being matters, and finding healthy ways to process these experiences is a crucial part of moving forward. Whatever you decide about future contact with this person, prioritizing your safety and well-being is not selfish—it's necessary. Thank you for trusting us with this. You are not alone.